Kurt's Martini

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Timex Watches

2006-11-30T21:26:00.000-05:00

Howdy from the “Music City,” Nashville, TN. My mother and uncle will soon be arriving and I think a fun weekend will be had by all. I’ve got my camera and will snap lots of photos.

Polonium is HOT! HOT! HOT! Ever since that spy died a horrid and mysterious death from this highly toxic element, polonium is all over the news—Paris, Britney and Lindsy must be fuming! Although I hate chemistry, I did a little background research on polonium in order to educate my readership. Polonium was discovered by none other than Marie Curie and her less famous husband Pierre (who died in 1906 when his skull was crushed in a freak horse and carriage accident!). Marie, who was from Poland, named the element after her motherland with the hopes of publicizing the plight of her people who were unfairly dominated by Russian, Prussian and Austrian rulers. It is likely the only element named to highlight a political controversy. Its symbol is “Po” and it has an atomic number of 84. Polonium is very rare. It uses include neutron trigger for nuclear bombs, photography brushes and obviously, radioactive poison.

My 80’s music reviews are clearly no longer coming on a weekly basis so please enjoy my first 80’s Song of the Month: “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley. British-born pop star Astley exploded onto the music scene in 1987 with his debut album Whenever You Need Somebody. “Never Gonna Give You Up” was the first release from the multi-platinum album. This freckle-faced red-head, who looks similar to comic book hero Archie Andrews, has such a distinct, booming voice that had it not been for the popularity of music videos, few would have ever realized that Mr. Astley is not a black singer. Like most of his singles, the song begins with a bombastic drum machine and synthesizer intro before his deep, powerful voice takes center stage. If you believe the lyrics to the song, Rick Astley would make a pretty great boyfriend. He promises that he is...“Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna say a lie and hurt you.” What a sweetheart. It’s an upbeat song—great for exercising—and was a huge smash all over the world. The song was a UK number one hit for five weeks before reaching the top of the Billboard charts in the spring of 1988. Rick retired at the height of his fame claiming his distaste for celebrity and a desire to raise a family.

Christine and I "ran" over the Williamsburg Bridge this morning. It was good fun! Who else is going to join us? It's approximately 2.5 miles back and forth.

House of Bluebirds

2006-11-29T21:35:00.000-05:00

Yeah. I am lazy. Sorry.

Thanksgiving was extremely relaxing. I didn't gorge myself as much as I thought I would. After all, it was my first Thanksgiving feast in four years. My mom’s delicious spread sure beat those rice and beans from Sudan.

I am watching America’s Next Top Model. This show is really nothing more than an opportunity to humiliate these poor naïve girls. The panelists claims that its challenges are representative of the difficulties faced by models in “real” world but I am certain that Tyra Banks has never been forced to dance flamenco or sit in ice cold water for a half hour. Last week was an especially painful episode where the contestants had to do a commercial hocking some assortment of beauty products. The twist being that the girls had to speak in Spanish! Nothing sells makeup like awkward phonetically-learned foreign languages!

My father and I went to Huntley’s annual Turkey Testicle Festival where Illinoisans gather to drink beer and munch of deep-fried turkey balls. No lie. They weren’t half bad. The secret is in the batter! Photos are above.

Tomorrow I am off to Nashville to see the Dixie Chicks in concert. I am happy to get out of the city. It’s been a tough week.

Rumpus Room Round-Up

2006-11-06T22:10:00.000-05:00

Monday is here again and I feel like crap. It’s not a cold, or the flu. My body is clearly rebelling against the many unhealthy choices I made this weekend. Firstly, there was the alcohol. This included several bottle of wine on Thursday, followed by numerous beers on Friday evening and Saturday afternoon. On Saturday night, I made the regretful choice of sipping a rummy mug of eggnog. Oh! And I had two beers on Sunday night while watching Desperate Housewives at Urge. I have not consumed this much booze in quite some time and so I think my liver was shocked. On top of that, I ate like a pig. Thursday night I made a healthy and delicious fish soup followed by selection of less healthful Sugar Sweet Sunshine puddings. Friday’s feast of mac-n-cheese and ribs is well-documented on Zain’s site (aptly titled “Triple Chins”). Saturday, it was off to Brooklyn for a game of Risk and numerous cheesy poofs. We stayed in Brooklyn for dinner at Myrna’s. She served a massive spread of pub grub. I will certainly be working overtime at the gym this week.

I bought this sofa on Sunday. The apartment is definitely coming together.

For your consideration…

A Few of My Favorite Things:

Carrie Underwood’s New Single. Last year’s wholesome American Idol victor turns evil in this hot song that currently sits atop the Billboard Country Charts. Sample lyrics: “I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped-up 4-wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seat. I took a Louisville Slugger to both head lights, slashed a hole in all four tires. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.” She also talks about drinking whiskey and hooking up! What has the world come to?!

King of Shaves Shaving Gel. I love this stuff—especially the menthol brand. Sure, it’s always on the dusty, bottom shelf at the Duane Reade but this product is smooth and tingly. Plus, you’ve got to love the name! It also has a convenient size that is perfect for travel.

Abizz. Because of its shady location on Eldridge (nestled in between government housing) few know about this restaurant. At almost four years old, it is easily among the top restaurants in the Lower East Side. The large brick oven and warm lighting create a romantic atmosphere. The reasonably priced Italian cuisine includes delicious pizzas.

A Few of My Least Favorite Things:

Marilyn Musgrave. This ultra-conservative Colorado congresswoman vigorously peddles legislation outlawing rights for gays and lesbians. According to Musgrave, protecting marriage is THE MOST important issues facing our country. In addition, she sponsored legislation that would make 2007 “The Year of the Bible.” Luckily she is in a tight political race. Keep your fingers crossed that the Democrats kick her righteous butt to the curb.

The F-Train on Weekends. What the hell? I was forced to take the dreaded G-Train last Saturday! The MTA needs to get this issue resolved I am expected to seriously consider relocating to Brooklyn.

Sweet Potatoes. Yuck. Sadly, this vile tuber was one of the only vegetables that my brother liked as a child. My poor mother always had to cook an alternate veggie dish to please me. They are truly the only vegetable I really cannot stomach.

Danny's Gong

2006-10-31T23:23:00.000-05:00

I have just balanced my check book and it doesn't look pretty folks. November is going to be lean! When it rains it really does pour! Between my new contact lenses, health insurance, closet shelving, wedding gifts and a flight to Nashville (to see the Dixie Chicks!) it is going to be a lean month. I had hoped to buy a new collection of Banana Republic dress pants but it will have to wait until December. I may look rich, but I'm really not. Brother can you spare a dime?

Christine used the word 'papoose' in a sentence the other day. She dropped it in our conversation while describing her Madonna Halloween costume, "I wore a white suit and carried a little African baby in a papoose on my back." I should add that she didn't tote a real, live African baby (though that would have been more authentic). Anyhow, I have always loved the word 'papoose' but until yesterday had never heard it used in an actual sentence. Thanks Christine! As a side note, I ran into Christine this evening and she was NOW dressed as Angelina Jolie (and reycled African baby!).

Speaking of Halloween, I attended Catherine's party dressed as a hunky pilot. See photo evidence on her site.

Big News! Jet Blue will offer flight to Chicago's O'Hare Airport commencing in January. This means, I never to fly ATA or United again! Huzzah!

Guinea Pigs Kisses

2006-10-22T23:17:00.000-04:00

The family fun continued today with a good old-fashioned pumpkin carving party. I chose to carve a funky white pumpkin which I fashioned into a pretty nifty skull. Kent created a boozebag pumpkin and Karly showed off her skills with a knife and carved up a jolly jack-o-lantern. Mom is still working on her painted pumpkin/flower pot.

For dinner we had Nancy's pizza, "home of the original stuffed pizza!" Deep-dish pizza is a classic Chicago dish and one of my favorite culinary splurges. I don’t want to be controversial but I just don’t understand why people get so excited for a thin, floppy piece of New York pizza. Chicago-style (above) is basically an entire wheel of cheese melted atop a thick buttery crust with toppings hidden deep within the cheesy, gooey deliciousness. Clearly this is the food of the gods. I realize that this fatty pizza alone is very likely the chief cause of obesity in the region but then again, Midwesterners are so mich happier and cordial than New Yorkers. And I am sure this pizza has something to do with that.

I return to New York (and its pathetic pizza) tomorrow.

It's Raining Menthols

2006-10-21T23:33:00.000-04:00

My many weeks of travel have come to an end and with the exception of one brief stint in Kansas City next month, I shall remain in New York through December! November and December are peak fundraising months for non-profits so I will be busy. But I don’t mind. It has been eons since I was actually busy AT MY DESK.

This weekend, my siblings and I converged upon Chicago to surprise my mother and father. They were flabbergasted as I walked through the door although they were not as stunned as the unfortunate mother of a friend of my taxi driver. After, explaining where I was headed for the weekend, my cabbie told of a pal who decided to show up at his parents’ apartment in Queens unannounced after ten years apart. The man’s paperwork had finally cleared and he was now able to immigrate to the USA. When he showed up at the door, his mother was so shocked that she had a heart attack and died on her front stoop. Luckily, my parents survived and we are having a wonderful family weekend together.

Tara Reid has had her botched boob job fixed. Actually, her plight ALMOST makes me pity her fledgling career and horrific nipple scarring.

While driving to the mall today, Bananarama’s "Cruel Summer" came on the radio. In the cold, dreary Chicago weather, the song seemed wildly out of place but it is such a great tune that I was ready forget that winter is fast approaching. So, today’s 80’s Song of The Week is “Cruel Summer.” British girl-group Bananarama was founded in 1981. Their first studio album was released in 1983 and yielded several modest hits on the UK pop charts. Bananarama’s self-titled sophomore effort was released in 1984. It was a modest success in America fueled prevalently by the popularity of the single “Cruel Summer.” The song was featured in the blockbuster film Karate Kid (I believe it plays as Ralph Macchio and his divorced mother relocate from dismal Jersey City to the even more dismal Reseda). Bananarama’s style of singing is sometimes enthusiastically described on websites as being “unique” for its lack of harmonizing. Basically the three members of the band sing the same melody into one microphone. It is unclear why this particular factor should be touted as it seems to imply that Bananarama were relatively unskilled musicians. No comment. Anyways, “Cruel Summer” is indicative of this particular singing style but it is really the calypso beat and melancholy instrumentals that assure “Cruel Summer” a spot in 80’s history. The song peaked at number nine on the Billboard charts--their first of the three top ten hits in the USA.

Please peruse these photos of Katie and Dan’s beautiful Brooklyn wedding. Kudos for booking the Bar Tabac ragtime band! October is clearly the month for weddings these days...

Eskimo Hair Pies

2006-10-08T22:33:00.000-04:00

Today is my birthday inching me ever closer to 30 years old. Brett greeted me with balloons, a hot new digital camera and a tasty brunch at THOR. Next, we headed over to Prospect Park for Katie and Dan's wedding (photos later in the week). The weather, ceremony and reception were perfect and now I sit in bed with heavy eyelids.

We actually celebrated my birthday this past weekend when Zain and I co-hosted our first annual “Birthday Extravaganza.” Although I cannot promise that there will be a second, it was indeed a smashingly good time. We bowled, we drank, we consumed cupcakes, we leafed through porn and we partied with C-List celebrities. Could it get any better? Above find a slew of photos documenting the momentous occasion. The semi-famous folks we boozed with at a Hell’s Kitchen dive bar called Siberia included Kieran Culkin (celebrating his birthday) and “Finch” from American Pie (the one who seduces Stiffler’s mom). Christine signed Kieran’s stomach with an oversized novelty pen while he declared that the reason people were signing his stomach (and not mine) was because “he is special.” I disagreed with Kieran and attributed it instead to my hairy stomach. He did wish me a happy birthday though. My only complaint is that despite the aforementioned porn (thanks, Tamar!), there was overall a surprising lack of gifts. Could it be that my friends are growing cheap in their old age?

Ever since my life has become a slightly duller version of Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?—I doubt that any gumshoes ever had to venture to Dayton, Ohio—I am finding that the most satisfying sleep I get today is aboard airplanes. I sit down, buckle up and pass out. Often, I manage to doze soundly from before take-off until after we land. Even Jet Blue’s 36 channels of in-flight direct television fail to keep my awake. By the way, last week I flew on Jet Blue’s inaugural flight from JFK to Columbus, OH. We were given posters of downtown Columbus and upon exiting the plane walked through a balloon archway.

111 Rivington welcomes new roommate Renee! And I haven’t had a chance to express my elation at the departure of Catherine’s vicious, evil and rotund feline, Xena. I will not miss being greeted by hisses and jiggling belly fat. This by no means indicates that I shall not miss Catherine, just her bi-polar, psycho hell-cat.

Meanwhile…

A Few of My Favorite Things:

1) Lost. Finally! This week’s season premiere was mysterious and suspenseful. We are at last getting a glimpse into the lives of “The Others.” Why are they on the island? Will they torture their captives? Or are they simply misunderstood? I can hardly wait until next Wednesday night.

2) Kristen Wiig. KW is the newest female cast-member on Saturday Night Live. She has impeccable timing and does some hilarious impressions including Drew Barrymore, Katherine Hepburn, Judy Garland and Jane Pauley. Kristen earns laughs even during the most rambling and unfunny sketches. I hope that she steals some of the thunder from that overexposed and overrated Amy Poehler.

3) Glen Campbell. His song “Wichita Lineman” has been named by numerous publications as one of the greatest songs of the 20th century. It is one of the most emotionally-riveting country tunes of all times. Other noteworthy songs include: “Gentle On My Mind,” "By the Time I Get to Phoenix", "Galveston" and his best-known work “Rhinestone Cowboy.”

A Few of My Least Favorite Things:

1) Dane Cook. Who is this guy? And why was he hosting the inaugural episode of SNL this past weekend? Survey says: “Not funny and not talented!”

2) Dennis Hastert. As a morbidly obese, conservative Republican involved in an unforgivable sex scandal, Congressman Hastert is repellant in so many ways.

3) Pigeons. They are dirty, poop all over everything and New York would be a much more enjoyable place without them.

Get Thee To A Vomitorium

2006-09-30T21:26:00.000-04:00

Enjoy these photos from Tbilisi, the capital city of Georgia. If you are following international affairs, you will know that Russia and Georgia are experiencing very strained diplomatic relations. Although there are many reasons for the bad blood, Abkhazia is certainly a key factor. Having discussed the situation with several friends and colleagues in the Caucasus, war is not out of the realm of possibility. Crazy.

Tonight is my birthday party. Zain (whose birthday was September 8th) and I are hosting a bowling party. Drunken stories and blurry photos are sure to follow...

Q*Bert Bacharach

2006-09-19T23:56:00.000-04:00

Greetings from the great state of Missouri! I am in Kansas City. By driving into Kansas (the state) this afternoon I have now officially visited 46 states. Look out Oklahoma, Alaska, New Mexico and Vermont! Anyhow, Kansas City has—like so many Midwestern cities—seen better days but there remains some gorgeous old architecture including old-time drug stores, classic diners and an incredible collection of turn of the century mansions.

I watched The View this morning and although I hate to admit it, Rosie O’Donnell is pretty damned hilarious on the show. She has effectively hijacked the show from the other panelists who might as well be replaced by cardboard cut-outs. Even Barbara Walters seems dull by comparison. In other television news, as much as I want to like it, The Megan Mullally Show is totally weak. I have yet to see The Rachel Ray Show but I hear good things.

The Gap is airing a cool new commercial featuring style icon Audrey Hepburn. Although it is tacky to hock your wares using dead celebrities, especially one who served as UNICEF goodwill ambassador given The Gap’s questionable labor practices, I am really digging the hip dancing. Miss Hepburn’s moves are lifted from the flick Funny Girl.

Today, while giving a presentation on the African nation of Angola, I referred to this fertile country as the 'bread bowl of Africa.' I corrected myself and explained that I had just had lunch at Panera and meant to say that "Angola is the bread basket of Africa." Sigh. I think about food way too much. At least the audience got a good laugh.

Finally, congratulations to blogger, actress and roller-derby ho Fiona who is now engaged to her beau Randy! Plus, it seems quite likely that she will soon be joining us in New York City.

It Tastes Like Burning

2006-09-15T08:30:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned yesterday, I am in the process of organizing my photo library. Here is a gem from Abkhazia. This bull spent every day in the pond hanging with his froggie friends. They had a great symbiotic relationship going on: the bull attracted flies but before they could bite him the frogs snapped them up.

It’s been a while but here is a new 80's Song of the Week. Tonight’s hit was suggested by Zain’s child bride, Kathryn (AKA Chach), to commemorate the impending divorce of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. The tune is “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)” which was the first single released off of Houston’s second studio album cleverly entitled Whitney. It rose to the top of the charts during the late spring of 1987 continuing Whitney’s amazing streak of number one singles. In fact, it would become her fourth number one smash in a record-breaking run of seven consecutive chart-toppers. “I Wanna Dance With Someboday (Who Loves Me)” was originally written as country tune but Whitney’s producers added in pop beats and Caribbean percussion to spice things up. Warning! Listening to this song may cause the listener to grab his or her hairbrush and shake their ass all over the house in search of somebody to “feel the heat with.” Interestingly, although Miss Houston had a string of dance hits in the 80s and 90s, she is rumored to have had terrible rhythm and could not dance.

The classic Parker Brothers game Monopoly has been updated for the 21st Century. The “Hear and Now” version of the 70 year-old board game was launched yesterday. Gone are Park Place and Boardwalk (replaced by Times Square and Fenway Park) and the railroads have been nixed in favor of America’s busiest airports. Other properties include The White House, Hollywood and Disneyland. The tokens now consist of branded items including McDonalds fries, a Starbucks latte, the Toyota Prius, a New Balance shoe and a Motorola phone. The dollar amounts have also been increased. Passing go now earns you $2 million. I think I will stick with the old version. Besides, how realistic is it to build hotels on the White House? And who would want a house in Times Square?

I used to be a big fan of the CBS reality show Survivor but like so many others, I have grown tired of its repetitiveness. However, the new racial twist to the show has intrigued me enough to tune into last night’s premier episode. For those of you who don’t know, the teams are divided into four racial groups: Caucasian, African-American, Hispanic and Asians. So far, there isn’t really a discernable difference between this season and any others. It was just okay. The Asian team dominated the challenge and the African American team just barely lost out to the completely inept Caucasian team. Each contestant seems quite cautious to say anything remotely provocative and during interviews you can tell that everyone is choosing their word’s wisely. You know what would make for an interesting Survivor? Gay men versus lesbians!

Anderson Cooper Thinks He's So Cool

2006-09-14T14:54:00.000-04:00

I love this weather! For the past four years I have been deployed into the field during New York City’s legendary autumns and this year—so far—it looks like I will get to enjoy the changing leaves in Central Park and don only a sweater as I head to work. That being said, I am traveling like a maniac so perhaps I am a tad too hasty in expressing my excitement for the approaching fall. Currently, I am sitting in a dingy Ramada in Fredericksburg, Virginia. The city has a lovely historic downtown but its outskirts are fairly depressing. After visiting the Super Target and Super Wal-Mart, I am plumb out of things to do. And so I am catching up on some personal administration including the organization of my photo library and updating the martini.

Brett and I traveled to Kentucky for a wedding this past weekend which was a ton of fun. The rehearsal dinner was held on an 80-acre horse farm in Lexington and the wedding reception was at the world-famous Churchill Downs in beautiful Louisville. We had a good time. Sadly, my beautiful (and fairly new) mobile phone, Samsung’s sleek d807 was dropped on a busy road and promptly run over by a passing automobile. Needless to say, damage inflicted by speeding vehicles is not covered by my warranty. The good news is that the time has come to renew my contract and so I was able to get a new phone for quite cheap. Also, as beautiful as my phone was, I really prefer a flip-phone and so I have ordered the well-reviewed Z525a by Sony Ericcson.

Here is a New York Times article detailing the latest reality show to come out of England: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? The show, produced by Andrew Lloyd Webber, is a live talent competition that aims to find an actress to play the beloved roll of Maria Von Trapp in the West End production of The Sound of Music. There is talk of bringing this format to the United States in order to find an actor and actress to take the lead rolls in Grease.

On that note, I would like to add a new weekly feature to the Martini called “My Favorite Things” where I highlight a few of the simple pleasures currently making my life more enjoyable.

A Few of My Favorite Things

1) Panera. This upscale fast food joint is happily popping up all over American suburbs. The bread bowls filled with savory soups are excellent but my favorite thing there is the house latte. Flavored with vanilla, honey and nutmeg, this coffee beverage is delightfully spiced and delectably creamy. Its prices won’t break the bank either. New York City needs a Panera stat.

2) The Cosby Show. I cannot watch Sex in the City without cringing at its desperate attempts to be clever and cool. Although it only went off the air a year or two ago, time has been very unkind to Carrie Bradshaw and her crew as they whine and dine in now tired (or defunct) NYC hot spots dressed in mortifyingly bad fashions. Instead, I suggest that you watch another show based in New York City and containing an equal number of ridiculous outfits: The Cosby Show. Besides being infinitely more intelligent, funny and heartwarming than most anything on television these days, the delicious chemistry between Bill Cosby and his hot on-screen wife Phylicia Rashad is reason alone to watch this class sitcom.

3) The Toyota Camry Hybrid. This car is rocks. My mother recently purchased Toyota’s new eco-friendly vehicle and her hip quotient has risen by 94%. She even chose the sassy metallic green color. The handsome leather interior and sharp high-tech dashboard make me weak at the knees. Is it wrong that I am jealous of my mother’s car?

A Few of My Least Favorite Things

1) Jack Black. I watched him host the interminable MTV Music Video Awards. Does anyone else agree that his shtick has grown just a tad tiresome? I predict that it is only a matter of time before he is downgraded from B-list celebrity to VH-1 talking head.

2) Baggage Claims. These new airline security regulations are the pits. Not only am I unable to take bottled water onboard the aircraft, but now I must check any bag containing toiletries. I hate standing around at the baggage claim. Some have suggested that travelers simply purchase toothpaste and hair products upon their arrival. But to those people do they not realize how expensive contact lens solution is?! And so I wait...

3) Cantaloupe. Gross. It is very probably my least favorite fruit.

There's A Fly In My Ranch Dressing

2006-08-29T23:10:00.000-04:00

Okay. My August hiatus has come to end. I apologize to all of you that have waited so patiently for Martini updates. I have finally returned to the USA and between my high school reunion, Jessie's wedding and re-acclimating to a desk job, I decided to take a little break from writing and posting photos. There will be no more long breaks and I promise to provide uninterrupted coverage of pop culture, politics, travel, food, beverage and biology.

Firstly, Zain and Kathryn have moved to New York City. Well, Queens actually. But that is a big step up from DC. To welcome them to the city yesterday, a group of us traveled to Staten Island to watch the S.I. Yankees play the Brooklyn Cyclones. It was a pretty boring game but the company was good and the food was delicious and plentiful. It only costs $11 to see a game and the free ferry trip is always a good fun.

I have some sad news: beloved roomie Catherine is moving out. I am bummed to see her go but there is a silver lining: her awful cat goes with her! Seriously, I need a new roommate. Anyone know anybody looking for a large apartment in the Lower East Side?

Dolphins are out! Manatees are in! Tappie the manatee is making waves all over the east coast. First he visited the Big Apple, and has most recently been spotted off the coast in Massachusetts and Rhode Island. The endangered manatee is commonly seen in coastal waters off of Florida. The gentle manatee commonly grows to ten feet and can weigh over 1,000 pounds. They are shrimps in comparison to their extinct cousin the Stellar Sea Cow which could reach lengths of 25 feet! The poor Stellar Sea Cow was hunted into extinction in the 1700s. A rare skeleton of the bygone beast is on view at the American Natural History Museum on the Upper West Side.

Speaking of which, the Darwin exhibit at the Natural History Museum was pretty lame. And to make matters worse, a touchy security guard yelled at me for snapping photos of their yawn-inducing displays! I pretended to erase them but I didn’t really. I can scarcely imagine what the museum staff is so protective of. Don't flatter yourself. Hugely disappointing.

I am definitely not going to Sri Lanka. What a mess it is there.

My mother’s guinea pig Sprinkles had babies yesterday. She gave birth to two very cute and perky little piglets. Guinea pigs are one of the only rodents whose young are born with hair and open eyes. They are practically self-reliant after two days. Aren’t they cute?

Camp Cucamonga

2006-07-26T08:22:00.000-04:00

I am very happy to be back home in New York City, however I had forgotten just how unbearable this place can be during the summer heat. I definitely did not miss the stench of rotting trash or the stagnant smell of steaming vagrant urine. I got stuck behind a garbage truck yesterday and the scent was unbearable! It was very likely the worst thing I have ever smelled in my life. All these years in war-torn hell holes and the stinkiest place of all remains NYC.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful although I did manage to buy and install a new air-conditioning unit thus doing my part to ensure that future generations will enjoy polluted air and electrical shortages. Also, I hung out with Eric, Elisa and Cort. We were planning to go to Coney Island but instead decided to make hamburgers and sip vodka tonics. We may still go to the famed amusement park this week. Eric taught me how to play backgammon, which despite its simplicity (I prefer games with timers, buzzers, fake money and elaborate rube Goldberg devices) is a lot of fun. I also caught up on quality television by watching the E! True Hollywood Story - Full House edition. It was very illuminating. By the way, welcome to New York Eric and Elisa.

Please enjoy 16 photos from Abkhazia. Above, you will find images from Sokhumi, the capital of Abkhazia and by far its most beautiful city. Reconstruction is moving slowly but little by little it is returning to its former glorious self. Sokhumi was known as the 'Monte Carlo of the Black Sea' and much of its architecture invokes wealth and European grandiosity. It has many decent restaurants and even a beautiful botanical gardens. Below is Nova Afon ("New Athens"), the site of an ornate Romanov church, a war monument and some of the world's deepest caves. I tried to tour the caves, which involve riding a dilapidated (and most certainly unsafe) tram through the tunnels, but the queue was too long. Cursed Russian tourists!

I am really digging Cass Elliot's best-of album, "Mama's Big Ones."

I am feeling in the mood for a McGriddle. More soon.

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Suicidal Drunk

2006-07-23T23:59:00.000-04:00

I apologize for not chronicling the last two weeks of my time in Abkhazia but I had so much work to. In fact, I still owe the program one more report! I will eventually get around to organizing and posting lots of photos--probably later this week. On my way back to the western world, I spent another night in the Georgian capital and discovered that it has a really wonderful, classy nightlife. Parts of the old town are reminiscent of New Orleans (charming alleyways, ornate balconies) only without the drunken frat boys and exposed bosoms. Georgian wine is also worth mentioning. Pretty tasty.

Currently, I am in Amsterdam and have been relaxing and enjoying the sites and sounds of this magnificent city. Accommodations are courtesy of Fiona’s parents who have a gorgeous little apartment on the Amstel canal. I get giddy each time I look outside and see the boats and bikes passing by my window. Amsterdam is a vibrant city and for over 400 years the Dutch have carefully maintained its upkeep. Yesterday I took a daytrip to The Hague and had a quick look around. Of course I ventured into Wassenaar, an exclusive suburb of The Hague where Myrna, Zain, Cort, Fiona and yours truly, spent our formative years. Not much has changed there although Manhattan-style luxury apartments are popping up allover the Langstraat and Wassenaar is getting its first brothel.

I will carry this nostalgia through the week as Friday begins my ten years high school reunion weekend celebration. To make things easier on the travel budget we have decided to host the event in New York City which was founded by the Dutch and was formerly known as New Amsterdam. We have 21 alumni from the class of 1996 coming. So if you should see a group of rowdy, orange-clad, Heineken-sipping 20-somethings parading through the city streets please remain calm. It’s not the Dutch army returning to reclaim its rightful property; it’s just us proud graduates of the American School of The Hague.

It is worth mentioning that Cort (AKA Booker, better known as the weakest link on Zain's blog) has retired and will soon head off to law school. Congratulations! New York will miss you! Don't turn all west coast on us, okay? Perhaps slightly less worth mentioning: Myrna has been whipped into a frenzy by mini corn.

I really like mangos but they are so hard to cut. That is until I read this helpful website on how to properly slice the delicious fruit using the “hedgehog” method. Now I can cube mangos like its going out of style. Subsequently, I plan to make many tasty ceviches and salsas this summer! Interesting factoid: the mango is in the same family as poison ivy and some people get rashes from touching the mango skin.

George Michael continues to do his part to dispel myths about gay culture and further the advancement of gay rights. Best line (after George is caught shagging some old man in a public park): "Are you gay? No? Then f*** off! This is my culture!" Since when did culture come to incorporate seedy sex romps in the bushes? Whatever happened to painting, classical music and folk dancing?

Okay, I guess I better get packing. See some of you tonight.

Unwritten

2006-07-08T00:00:00.000-04:00

Hey friends and family. I am currently in Tblisi, the capital of Georgia. It is an interesting city and I will write more about it later in the week. I have been in the field for most of last week hence the lack of communications. But I should be back in business this week. I hope all is well wherever you may be!

Last weekend I went to Pitsunda, one of the resort areas featured in my photos below. Fifteen expatriates (representing 13 nationalities) checked into one of the fanciest hotels in Abkhazia. The all-inclusive resort made me realize that this sort of leisure experience is exactly what is missing from Las Vegas: a Soviet-themed hotel. If I had several million dollars to play with, I would open such a hotel. I would call it Red Square. Here are my ideas:

· The construction will be substandard. Doors and windows would not open or close correctly. From a distance, everything would look quite nice but upon closer examination it would be apparent that every installation has been hastily installed.

· Furniture will be ridiculously outdated. Mattresses and pillows will be unbearably lumpy. Your television will be operated by knobs.

· Wiring would be especially faulty. No more than 15% of all light bulbs in the hotel will be functional.

· Air-conditioning, although existent, shall never be turned on. Your windows will open only a few inches to allow a feeble breeze to enter your room.

· All meals will be scheduled during ridiculously complicated and brief timeframes. An overweight matron will angrily usher you out of the dining hall should you even dare prolong your dining experience.

· Food will be recycled throughout the day. Raisins served at breakfast will be added to a lunchtime casserole which will then be breaded and deep-fried for dinner.

· Speaking, smiling, laughing and showing any sort of emotion will be forbidden at all meals. The same also applies to the lobby, beach, bar and nightclub.

· Elevators will be especially small, hot and rickety. They should open randomly on every floor except the one where you want to exit. This is assuming you can even find an elevator that is not filled to capacity with sweaty tourists holding fully-inflated rafts and inter-tubes.

· The swimming pools will be drained during the hours that it is open to hotel guests. They will be filled only in the middle of the night but promptly emptied again by opening hours.

· Your room shall contain no toilet paper, soap or shampoo. The front desk, when approached for such a request, will suggest that your party of 15 share one roll of toilet paper.

· During exciting moments of the World Cup (or other prime television events) the power shall cut off—sometimes for 30 minutes or more.

· Cranky housekeepers will obsessively monitor the use of your towels. If a towel is misplaced at the beach, they will follow you around barking angrily in Russian. You will be charged $10 if you cannot replace the towel by checkout time.

All of this and much more can be yours for just $100 per night. Sounds like a good time, right?!

Rubix Cubicle

2006-06-29T08:16:00.000-04:00

I have finally sucked it up and learned how to drive a manual transmission vehicle. I am shocked at how much I actually enjoy it. It takes a lot of concentration here because pigs, horses, cows and dogs have decided they have the right of way. Two nights ago, I went to the beach and parked my jeep on the grass and had a swim. Did I mention that there are dolphins galore here?! When I returned to my vehicle the front of the car was sinking into a foot of mud! I had actually parked on an old marsh that—because it had rained—was very wet below the surface! I was only two kilometers from the compound but I had forgotten my mobile phone and my attempts to radio into HQ were met by confused Russian voices. Luckily, the one other person on the beach happened to be the wife of a compound guard and she was able to summon help using her phone. The vehicle was pulled out of the mud and all is well. But, it did cause me to realize that I should learn some basic Russian and so I have begun taking lessons.

Now, each day I have a one hour lesson with my 17-year old interpreter. I like him a lot but he is pretty tough on me and he lacks a sense of humor. For example, he didn’t find it especially amusing when I questioned the intellect of Vladimir, a character in a workbook exercise, who had inexplicably lost his piano. In another equally idiotic dialogue, poor Nina could not find the stadium even though she is clearly standing in front of it. A stadium is usually pretty easy to distinguish, no? It is really no wonder that Communism failed when you have hapless saps like Vladimir and Nina wandering aimlessly through the streets losing their pianos left and right. In case you are wondering how Vladimir’s story ends, his friend Elena knew where to find the piano (“there” [Perhaps Vladimir is blind?]) and crisis was thankfully averted. Tomorrow begins my third course. To date, I have learned all 36 Cyrillic characters and can read most Russian words pretty quickly. It’s a really interesting language. We begin basic grammar and the number system tomorrow.

The nearby city of Sochi (across the border in Russia) has been selected as one of three candidates for the 2014 Olympics. Sochi is the most glamorous of the Black Sea resorts and contains lovely beaches as well as excellent skiing areas. Sadly, I won’t be able to get to Sochi this trip as obtaining a Russian visa is an expensive and time-consuming affair. Instead, please enjoy Gagra (above) and Pitsunda (below). As you can see, the Caucasus has many diverse environments. Those beaches are just and hour or two from the mountains of Ritsa (see photos in a previous entry). Abkhaz beaches were favored holiday destinations for people from all over the USSR. Gorbachev had his palatial summer estate just south of Pitsunda. Tourism is slowly returning to the region but there is a lot of work to be done. When you look at the photo of the decrepit waterfront nightclub try to imagine groups of well-healed Russians dancing and drinking below the dimly lit chandeliers as a band plays on the circular stage in the background. Abkhazia is full of sad places like this.

Shifting Sticks

2006-06-27T07:40:00.000-04:00

As a founding member of the Christine Lee fan club, I would like to wish her the happiest of birthdays! I wish I could be in New York this evening to honor this momentous occasion by stuffing my face with mollusks. FYI, she likes to be called Crystal.

There are two new delicious singles out on the American airwaves and they are both totally terrible and yet I can’t stop listening to them (yes, I am keeping my iTunes library up to date here). The first song is “Stars Aren’t Blind” the bouncy new track from Paris Hilton. Billboard had the audacity to compare it to “The Tide is High” by Blondie but they are being far too generous. “Stars” lacks any edge and the instrumentals are reminiscent of the calypso-beat demo on my old Casio keyboard. The lyrics are borderline retarded but the chorus is catchy. I can see people enjoying this song at the beach and I can say that Paris’ voice is better than Lindsy Lohan’s.

Jessica Simpson’s new single is called “Public Affair” which might be one of the stupidest song titles in music history especially since the song is about a bunch of girls getting ready to party all night at ‘a public affair.’ Have you ever heard anyone use this expression? And I am skeptical that Jessica Simpson is spending much time at anything 'public.' All of this ridiculousness aside, the sparkly, electronic track behind the inane lyrics recalls early Madonna and it makes for a great dance song. Unfortunately, Jessica has none of 1983 Madonna’s sass and energy. In fact, of these bland bombshells, it is Paris Hilton who manages to eke out a bit more personality in her pop song.

We return to Abkhazia later in the week...

Stomach Stapler

2006-06-26T18:48:00.000-04:00

The food here is really delicious! And I fear that I will return to New York fatter than I have ever been. The staple here is shashlik, which is meat (usually pork) grilled over hot embers. There are some good freshwater fish too. Sides include fresh salad consisting of juicy tomatoes, cucumbers, onions and dill. This would seem to be the healthy option but most people choose to slather their salad with mayonnaise. As you would expect from a post-Soviet state, there are ample amounts of carby potatoes and bread. The real specialty in this part of the Caucasus is khachapuri, a leavened flatbread filled with fresh or aged cheese and covered in butter or an egg. It’s a bit like eating a stuffed crust pizza minus the middle saucy part (and probably much less healthy, if that is possible). Abkhazia produces a lot of delicious fruits: apples, cherries, mandarins and peaches. I have eaten wild plums and strawberries. Wine production and hazelnuts are a big business here as well. If I don’t start exercising more, I will undoubtedly need to invest in some elastic-waste pants.

I finally saw Syriana last night. It was excellent but so confusing sometimes. As the only American in the audience, everyone turned to me to explain any vagueness in plot and character development. The studio should have supplied an accompanying guide to help keep track of everything that was going on. Still, the film was engrossing and worth watching a second time.

Let us take a moment of silence to honor Aaron Spelling who died this weekend. I wonder if there is a “death room” in their mega-mansion. If I was in New York, I would consider organizing a candlelight vigil to remember him. We could walk through Central Park chanting “Donna Martin graduate!” It would be very moving.

Moscow is now the most expensive city in the world. The priciest American city is our beloved New York at tenth place.

Coming soon to a neighborhood near you: octopus dumplings!

The Dutch are out of the World Cup. I haven't decided who I will root for now.

Gaining Confidence, Popularity and Poise

2006-06-22T23:48:00.000-04:00

For many years, the Russians maintained an Olympic Training Center in Abkhazia. Runners, gymnasts, weightlifters, swimmers, and others descended upon this sports complex in preparation for world athletic events. Now, it stands abandoned, destroyed by the war and fifteen years of looting and vandalism. As a swimmer, my colleague thought that I should definitely check out the decrepit natatorium—its pool now filled with murky water, frogs and foul debris. I imagine that Aleksandr Popov would have trained here once upon a time. (I would have named another famous Russian swimmer if I could have thought of any.) Anyway, it is truly a sad place but only marginally worse off than the CCNY swimming pool where my team trains in upper Manhattan. Hah.

The weather here is starting to get hot and my office is growing more and more unbearable each day.

Everyone in our little blogging network is hard at work! Myrna has returned from a brief hiatus and is as entertaining as ever. Zain is promising (to no avail so far!) to regale us with stories about his adventure in Central America and reveal photos of his child bride in a bikini. Catherine is as crabby as ever, bitching about pop music and slashing prices on her iPod cozies. Fiona (who I just saw in London last week) has a hilarious story about Dutch World Cup fans and their controversial lederhosen. Who knew lederhosen could be controversial?

American Idol is all over the entertainment headlines today. Taylor Hicks has jumped straight to the top of the Billboard music charts with his drippy song "Do I Make You Proud." Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee has admitted that she struggled with bulimia. Meanwhile, Ruben Studdard has revealed that he is STILL very much alive and does not have an eating disorder.

Four Minute Warning

2006-06-20T06:20:00.000-04:00

I am safe and sound in Abkhazia. And what a magical place it is! There are lovely beaches, dramatic cliffs, snow capped mountains, mandarin groves, pine forests and all of this in an area 1/3 the size of Vermont. It is truly incredible. During Soviet times, Abkhazia was a favorite resort area for Russian tourists including Stalin and Gorbachev. In fact, their dachas (summer homes) are still standing and are available to let for $100 per night. Stalin’s home was at Lake Ritsa, an amazing nature reserve that would make a mockery of some of our American national parks (except for its frightful roads). It SHOULD be one of the top tourist destinations in the world and for many years it was. Although some people are now returning to Lake Ritsa, it still remains a shadow of its former self and now much of its beautiful landscape is dotted with crumbling hotels and chalets. The park is a magical but haunting place. Anyhow, a group of us did some camping there and then hiked a very steep ten kilometer loop through the mountains eventually reaching a height of 2600 meters. I thought I was going to die on several occasions but as you can see I made it through with just a few dozen mosquito bites and sore thighs. The views were phenomenal until the end of the trek when an eerie fog moved in. Enjoy the photos of Lake Ritsa and its environs.

Thanks to everyone who came to my party. The photos turned out very well and I might try to get some of them posted as a break from snapshots of bleak, war-torn places.

I am working my way through a long list of DVDs including seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage and Six Feet Under. I am especially enjoying the World Cup. Hup Holland! There isn’t a lot to do here on the weeknights but I think I will take a nightly jog down to the beach each night.

The new Christina Aguilera song, “Ain’t No Other Man” is starting to grow on me but it is definitely not her best.

I highly recommend Picasa for all of your photo-editing needs. It’s a free download provided by Google. The program can really spruce up your digital photos and is very user-friendly.

Jagged Little Spill

2006-06-03T15:41:00.000-04:00

I wrote this last week but had to run to catch a plane before I could post it...

Hawaii is really an amazing place. The 'Big Island' is--like its name implies--the largest of Hawaii's islands at roughly the same size of Connecticut. It is sparsely populated and outside of the main resort areas feels somewhat undeveloped, almost third world. Agriculture is still the largest source of income on the Big Island and much of the area to the south of Kona is used for coffee and Macadamia nut production. Avocados, bananas, papaya and other fruits grow wild. Unlike other Hawaiian islands, there are not hundreds of the sandy white beaches one one comes to expect of our 50th state. Instead,the Big Island has just a handful of white, green, or black sand beaches. Many of them are small and remote, but they never seem crowded. Other swimming spots have no beach at all, just hardened lava cliffs, which are amazing for snorkeling. I have never seen so many interesting fish, eels, turtles, dolphins and coral. The Big Island is also home to the Hawaii Volcanoes National Park where lava flows freely sometimes blocking access to parts of the park. We didn't get to see any lava but we could see many steam vents in the ground and the air smelled of sulfur.

The photos below are from our day trip to Oahu. There, we toured Waikiki Beach, the U.S.S. Missouri and of course, Pearl Harbor which proved to be both informative and moving. The memorial at Pearl Harbour actually sits above the rusting ruins of the U.S.S. Arizona, the final resting spot for 1,100 soldiers.

No Whammies!

2006-05-31T22:36:00.000-04:00

My mother and I were recently arguing whether earwigs were carnivorous or omnivorous which led me to discover this most remarkable article about a mysterious species of earwig found only on the island of Saint Helena. This south-Atlantic island is best known as the locale where Napoleon Bonaparte spent his final years but Saint Helena, for scientists and conservationists, is the holy grail of entomology. It is home to countless spiders, beetles and other creepy crawlies some of which have not even been named yet. Anyhow, back to the earwig. The Saint Helena earwig can grow up to 3.3 inches long and because a living specimen has not been seen since the 1960's, many fear that it is now extinct. Prospects for the earwig (if it is not actually extinct) and other rare creatures on the island grow more grim now that the island is planning to build its first airport. The airport may very well destroy the ecosystem that contains these unique bugs (as well as birds and other animals). I plan to visit Saint Helena in the future as it is among the world's most unexplored inhabited islands. Who knows, maybe I will find the giant earwig. By the way, earwigs are omnivores and they don't bore into your ears.

Enjoy the first set of photos from Hawaii. Many of the photos are of plants at the fantastic Botanical Gardens. The bizarre flora here reminded me of the BBC sci-fi classic The Day of the Triffids which gave me nightmares as a child. A bright meteor shower blinds most of the population allowing triffids, blood-thirsty alien plants, to take over the world. The tv movie, despite the shoddy production values one has come to expect from anything by the BBC (let alone anything from 1981), is quite good fun and is now available on DVD.

Okay, its time to hit the sack. I am off to Oahu in the morning...

Flesh Gordon

2006-05-26T23:01:00.000-04:00

I absolutely love my job but it is nowhere nearly as awesome as the job of this New York Times critic who traveled across the United States sampling and reviewing regional fast food. He mentions some of my favorites: Culver’s Butter Burger, Chick-fil-A’s chicken sandwich and Dairy Queen’s Brownie Batter Blizzard. For those of you who are JMU alumni, it should come as no surprise that his visit to Captain D’s Seafood is among the lowlights of his trip (“the butterfly shrimp should be called gypsy moth shrimp”). Zain, I propose that we take a road trip in order to confirm his findings. THAT would make an interesting blog.

I can tell that summer is just around the corner because the radio is full of catchy new pop singles. Notable releases include “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira (featuring Wyclef Jean) and “Promiscuous” by Nelly Furtado (featuring Timbaland). The latter reminds me ever so slightly of 1992's “I Gotta Man" by Positive K. Download now so you can get your dance moves ready for hot summer parties.

I have been keeping a list of amusing YouTube videos for your viewing pleasure:

1) I am fully aware that this video was making the rounds many months ago (I heard about it from my mother) but it still makes me laugh every time! It's the hilarious Taco Town commercial. This is truly one the best SNL commercials of all times. I wish I could find the video clip of another SNL classic, Quarry breakfast cereal (Better, because it's mined!).

2) You know how celebrities supposedly make ridiculous commercials for the Japanese market? Here is an especially shoddy one by Madonna hawking some Mitsubishi music equipment.

3) This American Idol clip is super gay and super creepy at the same time.

4) I feel like I have been writing about Abba a lot but as I was born in Stockholm in 1978, they do hold a special place in my heart. My parents had all of their vinyl records and I can remember listening to them as a small child. Anyhow, if you are a fan of weird 70's art films, check out this Abba music video. "Knowing Me, Knowing You" is one of their greatest hits and the accompanying video is strangely affective. For a group that fell out of favor by the 1980's, they made an impressive number of music videos before there was any market for them. And now you can watch them all on online!

Did you know that Pat Robertson can leg-press 2,000 pounds? Surprisingly, a lot of people don’t believe his story but I'm sure these non-believers will get their comeuppance in hell.

It's hardly surprising that George W. Bush's lackey got into Harvard but the shocker is that the kid doesn't even have an undergraduate degree! Some of his past duties have included dog-sitting the president’s dogs, carrying his speeches and making peanut butter sandwiches.

So, the big news is that I will be spending much of my summer in the former Russian Republic of Georgia. I am pretty excited. I don't know how much I will be able to blog while I am there but I will do my damnedest. Please enjoy my photos from San Francisco, Berkeley and Pebble Beach (top) and from Mount Rainier (below). Tomorrow I head to Hawaii...

Wiggle Worms

2006-05-25T12:13:00.000-04:00

Meanwhile, back in Chicago....

Hi folks. I am currently home with my family in peaceful Saint Charles, Illinois. All is well but I am exhausted and a cranky from missing the Lost season finale. Its been a long, long month. Shortly, I will be driving with sister Karly to Peoria ("The Armpit of America") where I will have lunch with my grandparents and dinner with my little brother. We might also do some bathing suit shopping because one cannot go to Hawaii without appropriate swimwear. Yes, it's true. My next few postings will be broadcast from Kona where my family is renting a house. A vacation is definitely long overdue. I have instructed my office not to bother me and I haven't even bothered forwarding my calls. It will be heaven.

I will get a good, meaty posting (with photos from my Seattle/San Francisco trip) tomorrow. And now, I must depart. The cornfields await!

Steaks On A Plane

2006-05-11T12:37:00.000-04:00

I am relaxing in my hotel room just outside of the Sea-Tac Airport catching up on emails and voice messages. The weather is cool and damp, just like it should be in Seattle. Today, I will venture to the top of Mount Rainier. Okay, not really but I will park below it, snap a few photos and sip a latte in the shadow of its grandeur. It will be nice to be outside. I walked around downtown Seattle yesterday but foolishly forgot my camera. I went to the world famous Pike Place Market which I was surprised to learn is in no way related to juvenile thriller author Christopher Pike. Certainly he deserves to have a some structure named after him. At the market, I consumed an Alaskan cod sandwich and the world's largest, tastiest oatmeal cookie, marveled over some gigantic tulips, purchased some jam for Catherine (did you know that she is a jelly aficionado?) and enjoyed the sunny weather and salty air. Seattle is a fine town.

Several sub-mediocre television staples are airing their final episodes in the coming weeks. Yeah, lowbrow television audiences will soon bid farewell to That 70's Show and Will & Grace. I didn't even realize they were still on the air. Now if only someone could make them dissapear from syndication.

Booker encouraged me to list to Nick Lachey's new single "What's Left of Me" and I concur that the song is catchy. And it seems to be doing pretty well on the charts. Speaking of Nick Lachey, US Magazine is reporting that Jessica Simpson's best friend and long time assistant, CaCee Cobb has quit. Rumors are flying that CaCee has her eyes set on Nick and the pair were recently seen eating together in Los Angeles. My reasoning for sharing this absolutely useless gossip (CaCee Cobb falls into the realm of relevance somewhere between That 70's Show and Will & Grace) is really only because of one reader's comment posted on the US site in reference to this story. Victoria writes, "Sounds like Nick wants to toss that Cobb Salad." Somebody get this chick a blog!

They Call Me Whiskers

2006-05-09T21:41:00.000-04:00

Greetings from Seattle! Did you miss me? I promise to keep The Martini updated more regularly from here on out. It's hard out here for a pimp.

Anyhow, I am on the west coast for business and had a very long, busy day of meetings followed by an excellent three-hour nap. Unlike my horrific travel experience two weeks ago, getting to Seattle was a breeze. I cannot stress enough just how well JetBlue has its act together. Business problems aside, their customer service is top notch and even though the flight to Seattle was full, all was calm and comfortable on board. AirTran could learn a thing or two from them. Oh, and they have just added a flight to Bermuda! I may just have to use my TrueBlue awards to check it out.

I have so many news items to highlight:

An American Idol-esque contest to choose Finland's entry for the annual Eurovision contest backfired big time when jaded Finns elected to send a satanic heavy metal band to represent their country in the annual pop music fest. The band is called Lordi and is comprised of a red-eyed demon, an alien man-beast, a blood-soaked phantom, a zombie bull and a decaying mummy. Lordi, whose hits include such songs as "Chainsaw Buffet" and "Blood Red Sandman," use exploding babies and swords during their shows. This showmanship has really irked the organizers of Eurovision and religious groups in Greece who are hosting the show this year. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Eurovision, it is an annual music competition that famously launched the career of Abba. It is super cheesy and generally disrespected worldwide but I am definitely going to check it out this year. Go Finland! Check out Lordi's website here.

This New York Times piece about a ballet studio in Queens had me stifling tears as I rode the subway last week. I don't normally care for dance but this story is about a special ballet program for young girls with disabilities. Don't read if you have just applied eyeliner!

I know its not really news but The Onion's A.V. Club ran an amusing feature about everyday use for Simpsons quotes. Some of our favorites are there including "Boo-urns" and "Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!" Additionally, check out The Onion this week. The main headline is New Anti-Abortion Pill Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive. Hah.

Before I climb into bed, enjoy this 80's Song Of The Week. In honor of Eurovision, I have selected the title track from Abba's last album, 1981's The Visitors, arguably their most sophisticated and introspective album. "The Visitors" is a masterful, edgy song with lush synth orchestrations punctuated with quirky, space-aged sound effects. The musical interludes between each verse are especially lovely. Believe it or not, the theme of "The Visitors" deals with Soviet dissidents in Communist states and the illegal secret meetings they held. It is a dark song that chronicles the paranoia and ultimate mental breakdown of one of these dissidents who we assume has been found out by the authorities. Seriously. Sample lyrics include: "These walls have witnessed all the anguish of humiliation and seen the hope of freedom glow in shining faces. And now they've come to take me. Come to break me," and "They must know by now I'm in here trembling. In a terror evergrowing, Crackin' up. My whole world is falling, going crazy. There is no escaping now, I'm Crackin' up." How many other pop songs can you think of that deal with such a topic?! "The Visitors" reached number 63 on the Billboard charts and would be one of their last releases before divorce and other personal problems forced Abba to disband. You have got to check out the album and its title track. If anything, "The Visitors" serves as funky period piece that effectively reflects the anxiety and uncertainty of the Cold War.

Pickle-Less Nicholas

2006-04-28T16:24:00.000-04:00

Hey kids. I have had a horrendous week traveling and working like a maniac. AirTran screwed me over en route from Dallas to LGA and I ended up stranded in Atlanta for two days. Airlines, with the exception of JetBlue, just don't believe in fine customer service anymore. The phrase 'too bad' was used several times during several angering encounters with AirTran agents in person and over the phone. My baggage went on to New York but happily one competent agent had it sent them back to Georgia and I was spared the dismal prospect of wearing the same outfit for over 48 hours. I am tired of airplanes, I am tired of airport food and I am tired of irritable, effeminate male airline staff (who do nothing to defy gay stereotypes). Despite all of this, Atlanta seems like a pleasant enough place and the weather was warm and sunny. I walked around a lot of malls and I saw the film Friends With Money starring some of my most favorite actresses including Katherine Keener, Joan Cusack and Frances McDormand (oh yeah, and that leatherfaced Jennifer Aniston who is most definitely not a favorite of mine). The movie has many hilarious moments and some rich performances.

Mother Smuckers

2006-04-19T12:47:00.000-04:00

Soon, we will no longer be forced to watch that pudgy, smug Scott McClellan defend White House lies and inaction. Good riddance. Sadly, I am sure that Bush has a whole room full of double-chinned suits just waiting to replace him.

It's lunchtime and I just consumed a Smucker's Uncrustable. I was VERY skeptical but it was pretty delicious. An Uncrustable is a thawed peanut butter and jelly "sandwich" that you take out of the freezer in the morning so it will be ready to eat by noon (actually, it takes just 30-60 minutes to thaw). These are especially handy if you travel a lot and don't like to keep bread around the house. I am constantly wasting food so anything that can safely stay in the freezer for several weeks is perfect for me. Smuckers, is there nothing you can't do? Somewhere my grandfather, a Smuckers fanatic (how many free plastic Smuckers Christmas decorations does one need?) is smiling down at me. Additionally, at 210 calories and nine grams of fat it certainly makes a far healthier lunch than say an entire Domino's pizza.

Bagel Ships

2006-04-18T16:18:00.000-04:00

I am back from Chicago. It was great to see the entire family but as usual it went too quickly. I took lots of nice Easter photos and will get some up later this week. Until then, enjoy:

I live with an evil cat. Said feline is owned by none other than Catherine of 'Pita' fame. Yesterday, in the middle of the night, she (the cat, not Catherine) hissed at me nearly causing me to piss my pants on the way to the bathroom. When the cat and I met early this morning she quite smartly fled. She ran towards Catherine's door thinking it was slightly ajar. But it wasn't and instead she smacked into the door headfirst. I don't condone cruelty to animals but oh how sweet it was to see her get her comeuppance. I knew it would be a good day.

Because dogs would never behave in this vile manner, today I give you a little homage to cute puppies. Above, meet Lucy. She is Matthew's puppy and I am her uncle. Lucy is a Golden Retriever and originally hails from Canada. She is the sweetest little thing ever and I get to babysit her tomorrow night! Below is little Seamus, owned by our friend Jenni in San Francisco. Seamus is a rescued stray and is a little bit naughty but is learning how to be a good dog by attending doggie daycare.

A lot of us are graduates of The American School of The Hague (Zain, Mozo and Booker) and we definitely notice your eyes glazing over at the very mention of this fine city. You don't know where or what it is, do you? Here is a nice article detailing a brief history of the city and chronicling how The Hague became the world hub for international diplomacy and law. Read it and become smart. Maybe someday you will be able to beat us at Trivial Pursuit.

Go Tribe!

Fatz Domino's

2006-04-14T07:07:00.000-04:00

A very happy 30th Birthday to our beloved friend Cortlin. A group of us celebrated the momentous event by sitting in nine hours of traffic and visiting every fast food joint on 81 to satisfy Cort's undying appetite! Kidding. That was just a part of it! We went to Massanutten just outside of Harrisonburg in Virginia's Shenandoah Valley. The weather was pretty dreadful but the company was delightful. The eight of us (including longtime AWOL Marco) sat by the fireplace eating burgers, slurping strawberry margaritas and playing various party games including Asshole, Golf, Satan Kills, Celebrity and Trivial Pursuit (of course, Zain and I dominated). We also drove around Harrisonburg feeling old around the fresh-faced JMU students and resentful that they now have their own Target. Pop Quiz! Which New York City heiress is absolutely smitten with the touchscreen ordering system at Sheetz and consumed several sandwiches from the gas station chain over the weekend? Good times.

P.S. Cort is really just 28 but I know this will rile him up a bit. And there is nothing more satisfying than that.

P.P.S. Cort's birthday is also my half-birthday. But did anyone call or send a card? No. Hmph.

Fig Neutrons

2006-04-13T13:32:00.000-04:00

Photos for your viewing pleasure are piling up on my desktop. Tonight I will get some up! That’s a promise. Tomorrow I am off to Chicago to see the family. I cannot wait. All of us will be there, my two parents, two siblings, two dogs and one guinea pig.

I recently received The Complete Calvin and Hobbes in three leather-bound volumes. I love owning this collection but the books are far too fancy to handle. There is tissue paper between each volume! On that note, my mother sent me a few newspaper clippings chronicling one misguided family’s attempts to get Calvin and Hobbes banned from an Illinois school library. Fortunately, the school is located in an affluent, somewhat cultured Chicago suburb and the school administration overwhelmingly agreed that this family was a bunch of loons and the books remained available for the students reading pleasure.

One of the Pointer Sisters died this week. I never really cared for them but I think it would be inappropriate not to dedicate this 80’s Song of the Week to honor her memory. Today’s selection takes us all the way back to 1984 when Howard Jones (described by VH-1 as, “one of the defining figures of mid-'80s synth-pop”) was tearing up the British pop charts. Howard’s sound was almost entirely reliant on keyboards, drum machines and computers. Today’s selection is “What Is Love” which was released off of his debut album Human Lib. The song climbed to number two in the UK and managed to break the top 40 on the American Billboard pop charts. The lyrics are a tad nonsensical but Mr. Jones seems to be in love with someone who questions his devotion, prompting him to ask, “What Is love? Does anybody love anybody anyway?” How poetic. Howard Jones has an excellent voice and doesn’t allow the synthesizer and drumbeats overshadow his singing. Howard had a few other big hits throughout the 80’s (chiefly "No One Is To Blame" and "Things Can Only Get Better") before his star faded. He was most recently seen on the television show Hit Me Baby One More Time... where washed up stars competed against each other for $20,000 charity dollars. Howard made it to the final round but was ultimately routed by Irene Cara. Sad.

Coming up: Cort’s 30th birthday celebration in Virginia, puppies and a trip home to Chicago to celebrate!

Clams Across America

2006-04-04T16:31:00.001-04:00

I have been a real busy bee and updating this site has been getting harder and harder. Bear with me.

A friend of mine (Matt) recently told me a hilarious story about meeting a date off of Friendster. He chatted with this guy for a few days and they finally agreed to meet for a walk around town. Like the rest of us, he experienced the anticipation and nervousness that comes with meeting an online date but I can't imagine he was prepared for what awaited him on that street corner. Yes my friends, Matt's date was wearing a cat. On his back. In a little backpack. Head sticking out. Quite justifiably, Matt's reaction was to mumble a few words, turn around and head for the safety of his home. Seriously. Boys, please don't bring your pets out on the first date. Unless you carry them in this cat stroller. Not really, that would be worse.

Rejoice! Tom DeLay is out! I have directed you to the MSNBC coverage of this story because their choice of headline is so superbly dramatic: "DeLay Succumbs to a Poisoned Chalice." Jesus, you'd think he was a character in a Harry Potter book. He is definitely scarier than Valdemort.

The new Tori Spelling show is in fact hilarious. And reviewers agree.

Anole Sex

2006-03-28T14:46:00.000-05:00

I love zombie movies and apparently I am not alone. That is according to this interesting article from the New York Times explaining the reasons behind the undying popularity (hah!) of our the brain-craving, walking corpses. Thanks Christine for sending this to me.

It seems like a day doesn't go by where someone sends me a link to a funny or weird video from You Tube. Some notable picks (warning! not suitable for work):

1) This trippy Belgian cartoon features a farting pig and dancing chickens. You can sing along to the awful techno/oompa band music courtesy of the bouncing ball. And don't worry, you don't need to know Flemish to enjoy; its mostly la-la-la.

2) There are very few songs about anal sex that are not performed by Little Kim. This video is called, "Do You Take It." Enjoy.

3) The real life Simpsons introduction produced by a bunch of Britons (hence the reversed automobile scenes) is--as Mr. Burns would say--excellent. I saw this a few weeks ago but Fox was so impressed by the footage that they used it in Sunday's new episode hosted fittingly by English comic, Ricky Gervais.

On that note, please take the time to watch The Office. Both the British version and the American version are hilarious.

Wilmer Valderrama, star of one of the worst television shows currently stinking up the airways (That '70s Show) was on Howard Stern this week bragging about his penis size ("8+ inches") and the bevy of celebrities he has had sex with: Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ashlee Simpson, who he describes as "loud in bed." I can't believe Mandy Moore ever dated this sleaze. In addition, Wilmer claims to have had anal sex with a super-famous actress whom he refuses to name. Clearly, because he is such a classy gentleman. Who could this actress be? Although for me, the bigger question is WHO would sleep with Ashlee Simpson?

The Positively True Adventures Of Erlisa

2006-03-25T11:35:00.000-05:00

Eric and Elisa sold The Martini the exclusive rights to this story. I am quite happy, especially after I lost the Catherine Zeta Jones/Michael Douglas wedding story to Hello! magazine.

Eric and Elisa, visiting from Texas in preparation for their move to the big city, arrived on Wednesday ready to seize the day and make their mark on our great metropolis. However, for reasons that no New Yorker would ever understand, they chose to stay with Eric's sister in Hoboken. On Thursday, Eric got drunk and Elisa got drunker. Too drunk to deal with the PATH train, Eric chose to pay the expensive cab ride back to his sister's flat. The cabbie got hopelessly lost and when Elisa started to feel ill, the taxi pulled over and Elisa crawled out onto the sidewalk in front of an auto-body shop. A mechanic emerged from the darkness and joined the adventure.
Realizing that a drunk chick on his stoop was no way to win customers, the mechanic offered to take Eric and Elisa to their neighborhood. Shady! The cabbie was dispatched (after a $60 payment!) and the mechanic drove them home. However, 30 seconds before they pull up to their building, Elisa starts to vomit all over herself and the good Samaritan's vehicle. Eric, who is now out of cash, leaves his contact details with the surely horrified driver in case the car needs to be cleaned in the morning. Eric gets Elisa into bed and soaks her barf-soaked clothing in preparation for her law school appointments the next morning. Eric, who is one my most intelligent friends, decides that his wife's drenched pea-coat will dry more quickly in the oven. He sets the oven to 200 degrees and places the jacket inside. He then proceeds to pass out. A few hours go by and when he wakes up, the room is covered in thick white smoke. He cannot see his hand in front of his face. The smoke alarm is going off in the hallway but there is no detector inside the apartment (bad landlord!). He carries his thong-clad wife outside and then heads back into the apartment and showers the oven and the flaming coat with the fire-extinguisher. By now, the neighbors are evacuating the apartment and the firemen have arrived. The smoke clears revealing an apartment ruined by fire-extinguisher dust and reeking of smoke.

The next day, Elisa vomited a lot and Eric was forced to hire a maid service to tend to the trashed apartment. In fact, Elisa was so sick, she made a precautionary visit to the ER for a carbon-monoxide test. Also, the mechanic DID phone Eric and demanded $30 to clean the vomit from his backseat. We anticipate that Eric's sister will be evicted before week's end. And so ends the adventures of our dear, sweet Texans. New York is going to eat them alive.

The moral of the story: "avoid Hoboken."

Crab Apples

2006-03-21T18:42:00.000-05:00

Though I have not become a vegetarian (unlike some people), I have been purchasing huge quantities of dried fruits and nuts from Fresh Direct. I love fresh fruit but on account of my hectic travel schedule, produce always seems to spoil before I can enjoy it. I highly recommend dried pineapples, cranberries and bananas. Stear clear of dried nectarines and mango. The latter tastes decidedly fishy. Mozo concurs.

In other news, the UNHCR is having a lot of bad luck. First, their compound is attacked in Sudan and now Uzbekistan is kicking them out of the country. Shockingly, Zain has not yet reported this news item. Apparently vegetarianism is in and Uzbekistan is out.

Fiona has launched a blog about her oft fabulous life in London. There are bound to many cute photos of puppies posted there.

Okay, I have to get to swim practice. It has been over a week which should wreck havoc on my shoulders.

Swedish Is The New Danish

2006-03-19T23:21:00.000-05:00

It's time for another 80's Song Of The Week. Let's go back to late 1989 when Roxette (Marie Fredriksson and Per Gessle) topped the charts with their beautiful power ballad "Listen To Your Heart." This Swedish pop and rock group Roxette previously hit number one with their single "The Look" but were quickly dismissed as one-hit wonders. "Listen To Your Heart" proved critics wrong. With Marie's powerful albeit somewhat generic vocals, and Per's masterful piano and guitar work, "Listen To Your Heart" climbed to the top of the charts on November 4th, 1989. It only stayed there for one week (it was bumped out by "When I See You Smile" by Bad English). According to Per, the song was written after a late night of discussing his good friend's impending divorce. It would not be their last hit, in fact they would again reach the top of the charts with "It Must Have Been Love" and "Joy Ride." One-hit wonders, indeed!

Shop In The Name of Love

2006-03-17T08:03:00.000-05:00

Did you miss me? I took a little break from posting. Work is a little crazy now thanks to changes in approaching grant deadlines. Come April 1, I will need to take a long vacation.

Booker and I had an enjoyable time visiting Austin where we partied with EB and his lovely wife Elisa. Though we were forced on a three-hour tour of The University of Texas Tower and the city was crawling with dirty hipsters attending the South by Southwest Festival, the company was grand, the weather perfect, the margaritas plentiful and the BBQ meaty.

I will do some slightly more exciting posting this weekend (complete with photos!) but until then enjoy some interesting news items:

Crazy Michael Jackson has closed his Neverland Ranch and laid of much of his staff. When a giraffe groomer loses his job in suburban California where does he go next?

In response to South Dakota's rigid anti-abortion laws, a fellow blogger has posted instructions on how to perform an abortion at home! Isn't the internet great? Save your coat hangers, they are bound to go up in value!

Finally, a shooting occurred in Yei, Sudan. An UNHCR guard was killed. As you may recall, Yei is the dusty town where I spent two months in late 2005. I can't recall where exactly the UNHCR compound is located--I believe there were several--but it is a most unfortunate incident. Sudan needs help.

My Hair Is Not As Prismatic As Usual

2006-03-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

Life is full of tough decisions. Yesterday I chose to stop recording The Golden Girls on Media Center (Microsoft's crappy answer to Tivo). I couldn't keep up. Every day I would come home to find ten new episodes waiting on my computer, not including the episodes of Seinfeld, Family Guy, The Simpsons, South Park, Scrubs, and Frasier! I am fairly certain that I have seen most of the epsiodes anyways. Sorry Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia, I have to let you go... The good news is that this allows me more time for Designing Women which airs less frequently and can often be laugh-out-loud hilarious. You can find out which Designing Woman you are here! According to the quiz, I am channeling Julia Sugarbaker who is described as "a sharp-tongued steel magnolia."

Trey, David, Takashi and I enjoyed the third annual benefit for The New York Musical Festival (NYMF) on Monday night. Dozens of Broadway stars dazzled us with unique performances and there was plenty of excellent food and good booze. I look forward to the festival in the fall. NYMF, run by our dear friend Isaac, encourages young artists to write and produce original musical theater works and has become an important outpout for new Broadway and Off Broadway shows.

Would somebody please give Jamie Bufalino a Pullitzer Prize? As evidence of his brilliance, please enjoy the following snippit lifted from last week's Get Naked column where JB advises a woman who is remiss over husband's weight gain: "Having a ring on your finger does not, I repeat does not give you a free ticket to Man-Boobs Junction." Bravo, Jamie. Bravo.

Somebody's Got A Case Of The Tuesdays

2006-02-28T08:50:00.000-05:00

Enjoy these snippits from mildly amusing AIM conversations over the course of this unproductive morning...

dj***us (11:35:01 AM): anyway LC was like, yeah, Casey makes the most money out of all of us
dj***us (11:35:07 AM): because she and her dad started a business.
dj***us (11:35:23 AM): but he's already rich -- i think he invented something. the frozen burrito or something.

V*******a (10:18:37 AM): Reuters.
K*****C (10:18:45 AM): Awesome.
V*******a (10:18:48 AM): Not to be confused with Hooters.
V*******a (10:18:53 AM): Although they do sound the same.
K*****C (10:25:57 AM): You would be a success at either company i am sure
V*******a (10:26:20 AM): Uhh....these 34 b's ain't gonna serve too many wings.
K*****C (10:27:22 AM): hah.

c*****n (11:04:51 AM): I am looking at my grades from high school.
c*****n (11:05:00 AM): I got, like, a lot of C's during 10th grade.
K*****C (11:05:42 AM): hah
c*****n (11:07:03 AM): It's amazing I got into Brown
c*****n (11:13:02 AM): and according to my career profile test I am well suited for a career in "management" and "legal services" and absolutely ill-suited for "machine operation" or "benchwork"

Dallas In Wonderland

2006-02-21T20:58:00.000-05:00

I am lounging in a hotel room outside of Dallas and the weather is cold and misty. I am tired and irritable having hardly slept a wink thanks to a very disturbing episode of X-Files that required me to leave the lights on all night. Furthermore, this much anticipated episode of American Idol is proving to be a total snooze fest. Despite my griping, I had a very enjoyable weekend with Eric and Elisa in Austin.

So, what's new?

Certain members of the Christian Right are such assholes! Now, they are trying to push for a national ban on gay couples adopting children. Sigh.

I finally saw Walk The Line. It was quite good. It is certainly not 'Best Picture' caliber (and the Academy agreed) but it sure was entertaining. Joachim and especially Reese are top-notch. I have now seen three (of five) performance in this year's 'Best Actress' Oscar race and would be happy to see see any of them win. Reese was phenomenal but I also loved Felicity Huffman in Transamerica and the darling Keira Knightley in Pride and Prejudice. I still have so many movies to catch up on. Capote and Syriana are tops on my list of flicks to catch before the Oscars on March 4th.

There are lots of noteworthy celebrity feuds going on right now. Firstly, poor Nick Lachey is seeking spousal support from his more successful ex who seems willing to put up a fight in order to prevent this from happening. Donald Trump rips Martha Stewart a new one in a suspiciously public letter blaming the domestic goddess for the failure of her 2005 Apprentice show. This comes in response to Martha's comments suggesting that her show flopped because there was too much Apprentice on TV. Trump writes, "Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything a show needs for success. I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it Â and your low ratings bore me out." Yikes! He goes on to insult her daughter and mock her criminal activity. Finally, some American speedskaters are fighting. Yawn. Aren't the Olympics boring this year? Thank god for Austria!

Here's an 80's Song Of The Week for you. Since I was all alone this past Valentine's Day, I though I'd choose a bitter little nugget by the campy British New Wave group ABC. The tune is "Poison Arrow," one of a string of singles released in 1982 before the launch of their album The Lexicon of Love. ABC's synth-driven, highly theatrical music was always better received across the pond and while their debut album topped the charts in England, it only reached number 24 in the USA. "Poison Arrow" peaked out at about the same position petering out at 25 on the American singles charts. "Poison Arrow," a fast-paced pop confection with a toxic bite, is an angry diatribe directed towards a careless, insensitive lover and thus makes a fitting download for the embittered single man on Valentine's Day. I leave you with its cranky chorus:

Who broke my heart?

You did, you did

Bow to the target,

Blame Cupid, Cupid

You think you're smart

Stupid, Stupid.

Ice Queens

2006-02-14T08:29:00.000-05:00

It wouldn't be winter if we didn't have at least one big snow storm and this year the gods really came through for us! Sure, the weather prevented me from having dinner with my sister, required me to winterize my leather shoes and destroyed my office internet connection but all in all it was an enjoyable Sunday afternoon. Christine and Mike (aka Giacomo) invited me over for breakfast from Clinton Street Bakery and we took a nice winter walk to the West Village where I ate corn dogs and an ice cream baked potato at Cowgirl Hall of Fame.

Paul Hackett has withdrawn from the Ohio Senate race. He claims that he will not run for the House seat in Ohio's 2nd District. Too bad really. I like him a lot. Sherrod Brown better pull off a win!

Has anyone heard the commercial for Kraft Crumbles? In this add, Kraft has adapted the EMF song "Unbelievable" by changing the lyrics to "It's Crumble-eivable..." Hah.

Happy birthday to Toby and Valerie! Keeping with tradition, at her party this snowy Saturday, Valerie slipped on a piece of her own birthday cake and tumbled to the floor in a drunken heap. She truly is a classy lassie.

The Musak And The Mirror

2006-02-08T18:09:00.000-05:00

Tonight I will watch the Grammy Awards! Madonna will open the festivities and apparently Mariah Carey is furious at the producers of the awards show. According to IMDB (quoting The New York Daily News), Miss Carey "really wanted to open the show with her choir-backed rendition of 'We Belong Together'." Madonna eventually got her way by threatening to boycott the show. The producers pointed out that Madonna has scored five Grammys throughout her career while Mariah has only picked up two of the golden trophies. This is not the first time that Madonna and Mariah have feuded. It was widely reported that during last year's Live 8 Concert, Madonna insisted that she be kept "far away" from Mariah during the star-studded affair and added, "Just let me know when she leaves her trailer, because that's when I'm outta here." Perhaps Madonna is still smarting from a 1995 interview (video here!) in which Mariah Carey said of the Material Girl, "I really haven't paid attention to Madonna since like 7th or 8th grade when she used to be popular." Zing!

In honor of the coveted music prize, I bring you my popular 80's Song Of The Week feature. This morning my iPod played "Shadows of the Night" reminded me of the awesomeness that is Pat Benatar. Born Patricia Andrzejewski (thank god she married Dennis Benatar!) in 1953, Pat trained as an opera singer before being discovered singing in a New York Club in the late 70s. Though many think of Pat Benatar as an MTV mainstay, in fact she was already a well-established pop/rock star before the advent of the music video scoring a success with her 1979 album In The Heat of the Night. "Shadows of the Night" was the first single released form her 1982 LP Get Nervous. "Shadows"debuted a month before the album's drop in October of 1982 and the single peaked at number 13 on the pop charts and number three on the rock charts. It is a magnificent showcase of her powerhouse vocals, heartfelt delivery and a sound that straddles the border between pop and rock music. Fittingly, "Shadows of the Night" won Pat a 1982 Grammy Award for Best Rock Vocal Performance, Female (one of four career Grammy Awards). After 1982, like so many artists of the decade, Pat's star began to fade. Although she is considered one of the most popular and critically acclaimed artists of the 1980's, Pat never had a number one pop hit. Her most famous single, "Love is a Battlefield" peaked at number five.

Putting the 'Boo' In Boutique Hotel

2006-02-02T08:33:00.000-05:00

Goodness how the neighborhood has changed. I was only gone for a little over two months but already the LES is getting a new boutique hotel called The Blue Moon. Upon doing some background research, I realize that this topic has already been discussed in some detail on Curbed but Manhattan real estate issues are slow to reach South Sudan and so I am a little behind the times. The building, located on Orchard Street, has always caught my attention because atop its original rustic tenement facade sits a hideous penthouse addition in the style of the suburban McMansion. The builder has not even bothered to use the same brickwork opting instead for tacky tan and brown ones. Sad. Anyhow, as I peered into the lobby through the covered windows** a gentleman came out to smoke a cigarette. Always on the lookout for parental accommodations in the neighborhood, I asked him about the hotel which will open on February 15th. According to smoking man: "There's nothing typical about this hotel. You haven't see anything like it. And it cost more to build than The Hotel On Rivington." Sigh. I guess my mom will have to stick with the Howard Johnson.

In other LES news, Dedicated Productions is scouting locations in the neighborhood. This is according to a memo taped to our front door. They need "ground level and basement apartments" for filming in mid-March. The independent film is entitled Dedication and will star Billy Crudup and Zach Braff's main squeeze, Mandy Moore. According to IMDB, the plot goes something like this: "The romantic comedy follows a misogynistic children's book author (Crudup) who is forced to work closely with a female illustrator (Moore) instead of his long-time collaborator and only friend ( Harvey Keitel). Mia Farrow plays the domineering mother of Moore's character, while Bob Balaban is the book's publisher." Even though I live on the 2nd floor, I am so tempted to give the locations department a buzz. Mandy Moore in my apartment? I would die.

Also, that odd little gift shop next door to THOR has a name now: Annie O. As you can see in the photo, they even have some customers! I too have always wanted to buy my style magazines in a minimalist setting.

**This morning, I noticed that the paper has been removed from the Blue Moon windows and you can see clearly into the lobby. I will try and get over there to take some photos when there are fewer people milling about in there. It looked like a rough crowd.

Divine Intervention

2006-01-30T17:13:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to my favorite Aquariuses: Dad, Kent and Brett! May you be happy, healthy and wise.

Baby Jessica, who fell into a well some 18 years ago, is now a teen bride. All's well that ends well! hah. Seriously, we wish her well though this whole wedding reeks of 'white trash' as the wedding was held in rural texas and her husband is 32 years old.

Here is a website devoted to child star Jodie Sweetin who played the precocious Stephanie Tanner on television's Full House. Nowhere on the site does it confirm or deny the rumor that Ms. Sweetin is a recently recovered crystal meth addict. How rude! Rest assured, her drug problem was solved in 21 minutes interupted just twice by two three-minute commercial segments.

I had a swim meet this weekend and did pretty well considering I am terribly out of shape. I won two "so-so" silver medals and one "glorious" gold medal. I think if I waxed my chest, I could shave off a few extra seconds but I don't want to get a rash.

Velveeta Peron: The Queen of Processed Cheeses

2006-01-24T17:35:00.000-05:00

"Kort and Curt's UWS Wine and Cheese Spectacular" was a resounding success. Clumsy heiresses, cantankerous foreigners and gin-soaked crooners aside, the guests were dignified and civilized for at least two full hours. Then the wine ran out and it was a downward spiral from there on out. At 2:30, the last of the guests made their shaky way home leaving in their wake several stained oriental carpets, numerous shattered wine glasses and a pile of cheese rinds. From the vast quantities of cheese that were consumed, I can only assume that none of my friends suffers from lactose intolerance. Fun times.

I saw the musical, The 25th Annual Putnam Spelling Bee, on Sunday evening. There were some well-drawn characters and amusing performances but I was mostly disappointed. It lacked memorable songs and the humor was exceedingly puerile which is fine if a show strikes a healthy balance between vulgarity and intelligence (i.e. the marvelous Avenue Q). Spelling Bee was one gross joke after another. Do elementary school kids really swear and obsess over their erections? Furthermore, I am tired of musicals parodying other musicals. Is it too much to ask for some originality in on Broadway? I am paying $100 dollars to see your show and don't want to hear the score lifted from another show that I have already seen before! In Spelling Bee--for no reason whatsoever--a song segues into "Seasons of Love" from the tiresome show Rent. For originality, opt for The Light In The Piazza, a bizarre little musical, now playing at Lincoln Center.

Cafe Charbon has the worst service ever! People defend it by saying its just French but at least the people in France know how to add a bill correctly and will bring the correct order to your table. You know its bad when you have to go to the bar to ask for water...

Who Cares About the WNBA Anyways?

2006-01-19T17:50:00.000-05:00

My lovely little sister Karly tore her ACL last weekend thus ending her basketball career. We are trying to be positive about it but no senior wants to a season like this. She's had a fantastic run though. On an up note, we did get moved to the front of the line at Balthezar this past Friday and seated us at an extra large table so that she could prop her leg up. The staff were surprisingly awesome about it. Thanks hostesses at Balthezar! We shan't forget it.

As an homage to Karly, I leave with this quote from Mike Harrington of The Buffalo News:

"It was a double disaster for the Canisius women last Saturday, when they endured a 65-40 home drubbing from MAAC leader Marist. The Griffs also lost gritty senior Karly C., a defensive stalwart and their top backcourt reserve, to a season-ending knee injury."

Hah. Gritty. I assume that Mr. Harrington is using gritty to describe my sister as "showing resolution and fortitude or pluck" and not as someone who is "containing, covered with, or resembling grit."

Won't Somebody Please Think of the Children and Pee On My Leg?!

2006-01-18T13:41:00.000-05:00

More odd Ricky Martin news! In an recent interview in Blender, the washed-up (but still toned) pop star professes his love of golden showers. He states, "I love giving the 'golden shower.' I've done it before in the shower. It's like, so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different." And now people are upset because this sort of declaration is not befitting of a UN Goodwill Ambassador and director of a foundation that advocates children's rights.

Hamsters are in! Two articles featuring the cuddly rodent are making rounds on the internet today. The first story comes to us from Japan where a snake and hamster have become best friends. Check out the photo. The serpent-loving hamster is named Gohan which translates to Meal. Hah. So Cute! The next item is less warm-hearted. Apparently, two hooligans sent a live hamster (in an envelope) through the mail as a prank. The poor little hamster survived the ordeal but the pranksters were justifiably hit up with hefty fines.

Brokeback Mountain was excellent. Ignore Catherine's review. She is just cranky from being on Weight Watchers. With spectacular, well-developed performances from the entire cast (including the very smallest of roles) and stunning cinematography, Brokeback has continued to haunt me all week.

Don't forget to support my swim-a-thon!

Its A Mall World After All

2006-01-16T11:46:00.000-05:00

There are 48 malls in Dubai and there are plans to build more. Ibn Battuta Mall is one of the most grand. Inspired by the travels of "renowned" 14th century explorer, Ibn Battuta, the theme of the mall covers the six regions that were visited by this "celebrated" explorer. For some reason, I seem to have missed Andalucia but the other five regions are documented in the photos below: China, India, Persia, Egypt and Tunisia. Starbucks and Cinnabon add to the authenticity. This is what Dubai is all about--a bizarre combination of Middle East meets West. You will commonly see men dressed in flowing white dishdasha but they will accesorize with an expensive Von Dutch baseball cap. Beautiful women in black veils can be seen perusing handbags at Chanel and diamond rings from Cartier. If Steve Wynn and Middle East Barbie designed and built a city I imagine it would be something like Dubai.

Don't forget that restaurant week begins next monday. I have made six reservations and will do some mini-reviews (perhaps in Haiku) of my culinary experiences.

Its a mini Blog conference in Times Square. I am meeting Mozo and Booker (blogger Zain's lackey) for lunch. Afterwards, Booker and I are doing our duty as good American homosexuals and seeing Brokeback Mountain. I am not overly anxious to see it. But I guess we HAVE to. One movie that I can strongly recommend is the delightful Pride and Prejudice. It will make you laugh and cry tears of happiness. No lie.

Viva Dubai!

2006-01-10T08:18:00.000-05:00

I have been running around non-stop since January 1st and I am feeling quite overwhelmed. Work has been extremely busy (which is good), I have recommenced swimming and lifting (oh my aching shoulders!), I have moved back into my apartment (subletted until Jan 1), unpacked my bags, done laundry, deloused and put together my amazing new desktop. Its been a marathon but things are finally coming together...

One of my goals for 2006 is to post a minimum of 10 posts per calandar month. So I better get blogging:

I begin my rush of postings with a two-part special detailing my holiday in Dubai. After two months in Africa, Dubai was just the sort of tacky, capitalist paradise I needed to visit. It is often said that Dubai is comparable to Vegas only without the gambling. And like Las Vegas, every new building is remarkable (often for its hideousness) and covered in a thin layer of sand. Fat, fanny-pack clad tourists from Oklahoma have been replaced by fat tourists from Germany. And their fanny-packs have been replaced by distressingly short shorts. Traffic is scary, the roads are a nightmare and the town has been designed to people from walking anywhere. It is most maddening to hop in a taxi when--if a sidewalk existed--you could walk to the location in five minutes.

Dubai's nightlife is wild. There are bars, nightclubs and pretty good restaurants. Russian prostitutes and queeny Emirates flight attendents trawl these locations looking to get lucky. Dubai has become an international hotspot for horse racing and I was lucky enough to be invited to an eveing at the tracks. Other highlights include a Christmas Party at the Consul-General's house, swimming on the roof of a skyscraper, attending a 'first-class' movie theater (no common people!) and a taking a trip to Dubai's only cultural site, the Dubai Museum. Please enjoy these pictures, tomorrow I will discuss malls. Dubai has 48!

A New Year and a New Camera!

2006-01-02T11:30:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year from our nation's capital. I ventured to DC so that I could revel with rival blogger Zain and his lovely child bride Kathryn (who much like roomie Catherine does NOT like to be called 'Kathy'). The party was boozy enough although I learned that there is a limit to how many extra dirty martinis I can safely consume in one evening. Between you and me, I blame it on the substandard olives. Apart from that, Zain and Kathryn deserve accolades for their daring and tasty nibbles including perfect eggplant parmesan and toxic green (mint) brownies. I finally have some new recipes with which to populate my cookbook!

One of my new years resolutions was to buff up and take advantage of my post-Africa thinness. Unhappily, after eating ribs, goose and turkey in Chicago and slurping down a lot of martinis, my tiny waistline has gone the way of the dodo bird. However, after seeing these super homoerotic photos of Ricky Martin I am now inspired to work off the weight and achieve a speedo-worthy body. Speaking of which, swim practice starts tonight!

Rumor has it that Booker (vile henchman of blogger Zain) got horribly drunk in Puerto Rico, assaulted a buxom Asian woman and proceded to urinate all over the bathroom he was sharing with a certain New York socialite. I will give you a hint: the socialite in question was not Paris Hilton although I have read that Paris has had similar experiences with Tara Reid. I think you will all agree that Booker is our clique's Tara Reid.

Finally, a belated Happy Birthday to dear Catherine and my beloved Trey! They both turned 30 this last week. In other news, I remain (thankfully) 27 years old.

Radical Sabbatical

2005-12-27T08:54:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays from the bucolic Chicago suburbs. It has been tough to maintain my blog these past few weeks. Not only have I been traveling across the globe but also my laptop has officially kicked the bucket (which is far worse than Catherine's iPod dying). Fortunately, I have just purchased a brand new Dell which will arrive just in time for me to buckle down and get cracking on one of my new years resolutions: to play more computer games. Yes folks, Civilization IV has now been released and I fully intend to do some global domination. Or perhaps I will be a neutral country who focuses on science, art and building monuments celebrating my greatness. I just hope there is a cheat code!

In other computer game news: I was wandering the aisles at the local Super Target and came across a computer game based on Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None. This piqued my interest as I adored the book as a juvenile. And Then There Were None was originally called Ten Little Indians (actually it was originally entitled something far more racist) but in the computer game the nursery rhyme has been changed to the more poilitically correct "Ten Little Sailor Boys." This bothered me slightly. But upon further examination of the game's packaging, I discovered that during gameplay, you are the 11th character stranded on Indian Island. This makes absolutely no sense. There are supposed to be just ten people on the island (corresponding to the nursery rhyme). Furthermore, the packaging boasts that there can be an assortment of killers and endings! Blasphemy! There is only one ending for this book and only one killer! Hmph. Needless to say, I didn't buy the game and although this might encourage some youths to become interested in Agatha Christie and reading in general, let's not turn classic stories into bastardized computer games. So please go out an read And Then There Were None, or don't, but if anything, today you learned that Agatha Christie is a big old racist.

Banal Retentive

2005-12-20T14:03:00.000-05:00

Howdy from dreary Scotland. I have been here for a few days after spending four decadent days in Dubai partying hard with the diplomat crowd. I just had a look at the damage incurred to my credit card and it isn't pretty! I will write some more about Dubai later (and post some awesome photos) but just wanted to drop a quick line.

For more interesting stories check out Zain's posting about extinct animals and cloning. He mentions some of my favorite bygone creatures (I once spelled Quagga in a game of Scrabble)and as a bonus his posting eventually links back to my site!

Kurt's Martini: The Photo Edition

2005-12-12T06:25:00.000-05:00

Please enjoy these photos from my trip to Sudan. Tomorrow, the Martini will resume its usual banality.

A village in the countryside of South Sudan. I was very surprised at how green and wooded Sudan is. It rains quite heavily and unlike many war-torn countries, some very grand trees remain standing. Notice the dramatic peaks in the background.

After one of Sudan's violent storms appeared this perfect rainbow. Those huts in the background were our accomodations. They were very comfortable and remained cool during the hot days and cozy enough during the cooler nights.

The sunsets were always breathtaking. This photo was taken from my hut early one morning and doesn't actually do the sunset justice. This is why I need that $900 digital camera mom!

This is our outhose/showers. The toilets consisted of a hole in the ground and were unusable in the afternoon when the flies swarmed. The showers were unheated (and infested with spiders)but the air temperature was hot enough that this usually didn't matter. Hot water was kept in an iron drum atop a fire.

If you have followed my blog these past months, you will know that Sudan is home to many critters inlcuding this very large praying mantis (8 inches).

The Ethiopian restaurant became our Sunday hangout. This is the only spot in Yei to get a good cup of coffee though rumor has it that Starbucks is eyeing a few locations in town.

The internet "cafe" was nothing more than a picnic table with a bunch of wires sticking out of it. The town's main gas station is located behind me and further adds to the experience by choking the web surfers with fumes.

These large-horned cows frequently blocked the roads. Despite the cattle, I don't recall ever eating beef while in South Sudan.

This is dusty, dirty downtown Yei. The picture says it all. If you look closely in the background you can see some Sudanese women balancing boxes on their heads. This always impressed me.

A typical store in South Sudan. This particular shop is called "Gossip Is Worthless." I think that Target could learn a few lessons in brand identification from this place!

My popularity amongst the staff fell markedly when I was assigned to jab them with needles and collect their blood.

The airport in Yei is just slightly better than LaGuardia but not as nice as Newark. The runway, like all of the roads in South Sudan, is made of dirt.

This little plane flew me from Yei to Entebbe. It is run by a missionary group and thus the pilot led us in prayer before taking off. The plane seats approximately six people.

I would have supervised the pilot but nobody likes a backseat driver.

Look Ma, No Malaria!

2005-12-11T23:57:00.000-05:00

Cheerio from London! I will finally get some photos up tomorrow (Monday) for your procrastinating pleasure. I didn't get a chance to eat my stuffed crust pizza though I did eat a "Double decadence" pizza from Domino's. This consisted of two thin crust pizzas pasted together with ranch dressing and topped with extra cheese and pepperoni. Only an American company could improve on pizza gluing two pies together with salad dressing. God Bless the USA!

Puppy Love

2005-12-05T09:55:00.000-05:00

The internet “café” remains closed and so I am rarely checking my email these days. Apparently, there is a problem with their generator and hence no electricity to run the satellite dish. The things we take for granted in the United States!

I have remained busy these past few days and the time continues to fly by. We are negotiating contracts with our employees and are hoping to get some teams into the minefields very shortly. I have been given the task of testing the blood types of our local staff as this is required before any field work takes place. The hospital did not have enough reagents and so we were forced to order the chemicals from Nairobi. They arrived by plane this weekend. The hospital’s trainees happily volunteered to do most of the collection and testing (using our supplies to gain valuable experience!) but tomorrow my colleague and I will likely test the remaining employees here on the compound. I have been practicing sticking a needle into my very patient Eritrean colleague.

It is a vicious struggle for global domination in our multiethnic game of Risk. The Sri Lankan has been eliminated and the Eritrean, clinging desperately to her holdings in South America, seems likely to fall next. I maintain a fledgling hold on Europe and North America. That leaves the Scotsman firmly in Africa and Australia and the Afghani with a solid hold on Asia. He is proud to occupy his homeland.

Tuti, the compound dog, had puppies. Despite her mangy appearance, Tuti is quite a sweet dog and I have enjoyed playing with her cute, mangy offspring.

This will likely be my last entry before I depart for Uganda on Thursday. Then off to London! First order of business in the UK: a stuffed-crust pizza from Pizza Hut.

Stop In The Name Of Safety!

2005-11-30T12:44:00.000-05:00

Hi guys. I tried to get a post up over the weekend but the connection was down and the internet “café” was shuttered. The weekend went too quickly though the week is flying by. On Saturday night we drank bottles of decent cabernet and listened to music into the wee hours of the night. One of the best things about being in the middle of nowhere is the impressive display of stars and planets. I have seen several shooting stars.

It’s the final countdown and in one week I will be back in Entebbe, Uganda where I will eat pizza and sip cappuccinos poolside at the lovely Windsor Lake Victoria Hotel. It is a tradition that I shill out exorbitant amounts of money on my first night in from the field. I also plan on visiting Entebbe’s Botanical Gardens which my guidebook lists as a lovely spot for a lakeside picnic. If only I had someone to share it with.

I have noticed that birthday celebrations are a concept not understood by much of the world outside of the western hemisphere. In Sudan, it seems as though people know the year that they were born but cannot pinpoint the exact date. And although his country uses a different calendar system, my Afghan colleague does not know on which day he was born and his passport lists his date of birth as simply 1955.

I am slowly reading my way through The Fate of Africa a very thick book covering the most recent fifty years in African history. The author, Martin Meredith has done an impressive job of covering post-colonial Africa and it is a fascinating read but the subject matter is too broad and many countries are mentioned only in passing. Meredith spends too much time focusing on the eccentric, quirky and (too often) homicidal of the African leaders while states with less intriguing histories are omitted. For example, Ethiopia and its omnipotent Emperor Haile Salassie are covered en masse while the subsequent conflict with Eritrea is given a short paragraph. Still, Sudan is covered extensively and has been helpful in understanding the many regional, religious and internecine layers of this horrific and bloody conflict that has ravaged the country since 1965 and killed over two million people.

On a happier note, we will be having a little celebration this weekend in honor of the departing expats! Should be a good time.

May Your Turkey Be Infected With Avian Flu!

2005-11-23T06:25:00.000-05:00

I experienced my first bout with illness on Monday after ingesting some suspect water from a faulty filter. I was warned against drinking from the aforementioned filter but I misunderstood which of our two containers was broken. Before you can say watery stool, my body began a valiant 24-hour fight to eject the parasite from my body. Luckily for me, I bounced back fairly quickly, replenished my fluids and am feeling fine again.

So Catherine, Harry and Taylor (“Kurt’s Replacement”) had a party this past weekend. All initial reports indicate that fun was had by all, though rumor has it that a certain McFlurry belonging to a certain someone in Sudan might have been consumed by hungry revelers.

Well, I tried to post some photos today but the internet connection failed me over and over again. Sorry. I will try sending some to Catherine. Maybe she will post them on her site for me.

In a pathetic last minute attempt to get invited to a Thanksgiving dinner in Sudan, I am hanging around the internet “café” where the concentration of westerners is high. I cannot say for certain that any Americans spend their time here but I am keeping my fingers crossed. This is how I envision my invitation taking place:

Westerner 1: Hey! We couldn’t help but notice that you are not from around here. Want to join us for copious amounts of turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, pies and jell-o salad?

Me: Is that a German accent? Why would you be celebrating Thanksgiving?

Westerner 1: I don’t know. It’s your fantasy conversation. And just for you, we will not be serving any sweet potatoes.

Me: Count me in!

Westerner 1: And for the duration of the feast we will keep our hatred towards Americans bottled up inside.

Me: Wow. Thanks!

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

2005-11-20T16:33:00.000-05:00

It’s Madonna Weekend on MTV so between long blocks of 24 and Madge's pop video retrospectives, I am keeping myself quite entertained this Sunday afternoon. I really enjoy that new Madonna song “Hung Up” although I feel that music artists should be original enough to come up with their own instrumentals and not be inclined to rip them off from old acts. I have never known Madonna to do this in the past but in this case she has sampled ABBA’s “Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)”. Reading through some of the other blogs out there, I would also like to give my thumbs up to “My Humps” approved by Catherine this last week.

Because today is Sunday and I have had a leisurely morning, I took the opportunity to style my hair. However, this has proven to be a big mistake as my pomade is especially enticing to flies and bees. They have been swarming around my head all morning. Furthermore it is so hot here that a mixture of sweat and pomade constantly drips down my forehead.

I have spent an ungodly amount of time at the local hospital here dealing with ill colleagues. As you would guess, it’s a pretty depressing place! Anyhow, between sickness and employees on leave, my responsibilities have doubled here and the time is just flying by. Only two and half more weeks in Africa!

Here is a list of foods I want to eat when I return to civilization:

1) Steak Frites from Balthezar
2) Enchiladas from the dive around the corner (w/ margeritas)
3) Bacon Cheeseburger medium rare with lots of ketchup
4) Peking Duck
5) M&M McFlurries
6) Lobster Roll

There is a praying mantis living in our breakroom. He is small and friendly. This is certainly a sign of good luck.

I will write some more this week and if all goes well at the internet “café” I will get some photos posted!

Lizard King

2005-11-12T14:03:00.000-05:00

The man in the Cinnabon apron was not to be trusted! We walked for 45 minutes into town anticipating a fantastic meal but when I asked about the steak and fries, the cook looked at me like I was crazy. The Eritreans and I were angry so we took our business to Yei’s other Ethiopian restaurant, a pleasant establishment situated in a rundown garden and managed by a most lovely Ethiopian family from Addis Ababa. Because Sudan is bordered by many countries including Eritrea, Ethiopia, Congo, Central African Republic, Kenya, Uganda, Libya, Chad and Egypt, there are dozens of unique nationalities and religions living here. Sitting under a massive tree, we were served delicious grilled meat and vegetables. Afterwards, the proprietor’s wife made Ethiopian coffee in a fairly elaborate ceremony involving a white scarf and strewn grasses. I am told that Ethiopians (and Eritreans) take their coffee very seriously and serving it to family or guests is a big deal. The proprietress roasted the green coffee beans until they were blackened after which she carried them around so that we could take in the aroma. Next, she ground the beans by hand and after an hour we had some delicious coffee. My dear Eritrean friend explained to me that in the past, the women of Ethiopia and Eritrea would show off their coffee-making skills in order to win a husband. The coffee was wonderful and the owners of the restaurant were the sweetest people. We will definitely return.

It has been hot here and the rainy season has abruptly ended. The once swamp-like roads are now dry and driving is marginally better. Still, I miss the violent nighttime storms.
The staff has long forgotten Lost and is now deeply invested in season one of 24. We will be finished by Monday and will assumedly commence season two at once. As I previously mentioned, while in bed I typically fall asleep to Seinfeld, Golden Girls, Family Guy or Fawlty Towers but today I had the sad realization that I have not been sensible in divvying out my nightly lineup. I sincerely fear that I will run out of shows to watch during my 26 nights remaining. So I will be taking stock of my DVDs and strictly rationing out my television. If I have counted correctly, I have 39 shows to last me through the 8th of December. I have also been poor at rationing out my toilet paper but that is an entirely separate story with a completely different set of consequences.

The security situation has definitely soured in the last week and things have been a little tense for the aid agencies in South Sudan. I won’t go into any details but if you google ‘Sudan News’ I wouldn’t expect sunshine and lollipops. One bit of good news: the American government has opened a consulate in Juba. Oh! And I have purchased tickets for my holiday leave to Dubai where I will party hearty in The Middle East with international woman of mystery, Jessica. Dubai was recently described in The New Yorker as ‘The Las Vegas in The Middle East.’ After Sudan, that sounds perfect.

Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams

2005-11-06T15:18:00.000-05:00

Hey. I remain on our compound and will, for the time being, be here until the end of November. After that we may venture out into some other cities to do some survey work. This is slightly disappointing as I could be doing admin and accounts in New York City but I guess this change of scenery will do me some good. I keep telling myself that but really I miss all of you and my home city. When I catch glimpses of Times Square on CNN or MTV it makes my heart skip a beat.

So, what's new?

My laptop survived an evening in the rain and despite a shaky start seems to back in commission. Seriously, I turned it upside down and water ran out of it for a good 30 seconds.

Can anyone look into the claim that the guava fruit causes impotence? My Sri Lankan colleague made this claim but his English is a little poor so I can’t be certain that this is accurate. It also could be delirious ranting brought on by his third bout with malaria.

We ventured into town a few nights ago to dine at the Ethiopian restaurant in Yei. All of the expatriates piled into our Land Rover with expectations of first-rate service and a bountiful feast but it was not to be. We sat in a dark garden illuminated by a few weak light bulbs, endured rolling blackouts and dined on bony, greasy lamb and injera (Ethiopian bread with a consistency similar to skin grafts). However, I befriended the cook and he has promised me steak filet and fries this afternoon. And I am willing to believe him because he was wearing an apron from Cinnabon.

On that note, in case you are wondering what happened to that walkathon t-shirt you donated to The Salvation Army or that sweatshirt you got for free from your local radio station, there is a very good chance it ended up in Sudan. The amount of clothing bearing the names of high schools from obscure American suburbs and church summer camps is truly staggering. No lie.

We finished season one of Lost this week and now the staff has entered withdrawal. How am I going to get through the rest of my time here never knowing what has happened to Walt or where that mysterious hatch leads to? We are now moving onto 24 which I am told actually provides its viewers with a sense of closure at the end of each season. Curse you Lost!

It is funny how simple things like sipping a brewed cup of coffee (as opposed to Nescafe) or using a mirror to shave really light up my day here. In New York, your day isn’t really remarkable unless you see Meryl Streep holding Tara Reid's head outside of The SoHo House or a homeless person pisses on you at the Columbus Circle subway station (don’t ask).

Waiter, There Is A Fly In My Goat Liver

2005-10-29T19:30:00.000-04:00

I am trying to keep my internet access to a minimum as this connection is accessed via satellite which is terribly expensive. So, I will probably just check in once a week and leave a substantial posting. I think you will have to wait for photos until I get to a faster connection. Sorry!

I will be very curious to see how much weight I am losing here. Though I have begun to work out in the evenings (using my aquabell system) I don’t really do tremendous amounts of physical activity and I can’t notice a significant change. I have to assume that I must be shedding some pounds due to the fact that we are eating very low-fat foods in smallish portions. The menu usually consists of some combination of goat, rice, pasta, greens, lentils, red beans, potatoes, pasta, bread, bananas, oranges, and guavas. The goats are delivered every evening and are tied to a tree where they spend all night bleating obnoxiously as if to protest their grim fate. We dined on goat’s liver the other night (not bad). My drink of choice is Nescafe with heaps of powdered milk but I also drink plenty of refreshing filtered water garnished with fresh lime. Palates of cola can be purchased in town for the ridiculous cost of $24. We also have beer and a bottle of vodka I picked up in Nairobi though I haven’t yet imbibed heavily because our wake-up call is so damned early. Tomorrow we have the day off and have been invited to party it up with another aid agency so perhaps tonight will be the night.

My portable DVD player has turned out to be quite a hit at the compound. The entire staff is addicted to Lost and I am very happy to watch Family Guy, Seinfeld and Golden Girls while drifting off to sleep. It feels a little like home. My hut is home to several cute toads, some lizards and a small jumping spider that actually caught a fly in the window sill that I was seconds away from spraying with raid—as if the spider sensed I wanted the fly’s incessant buzzing to stop. He is my new best friend. There is also a quick, hairy and very large spider that I am less friendly with. He tends to dart out from underneath my clean clothes or shampoo bottle. There are all sorts of interesting birds, wasps, ants and other creepy crawlies on the compounds as well as your usual flea-ridden stray dogs and cats.

I enjoy getting to know the Sudanese people here in Yei. They are friendly and speak pretty decent English. Most of them were fighters in the civil war which pitted northern Islamists against the southern Sudanese who are Christian or animist. Suffice it to say, they have some pretty crazy stories to tell. The Southern Sudanese are pretty equitable when it comes to women’s rights and a fair amount of women serve in the military and fought in the war. There are several women deminers here as well.

As previously mentioned, the Sudanese in the southern part of the country are either animist or Christian. Those that are the latter tend to be extremely devout and incorporate their faith into their businesses. Shops are given names like God-Given Kiosk, Suffering as Christian Store and God Help Me Drugstore and Laboratory. Those that have chosen to forego a religious theme are no less amusing: Unique Genuine Restaurant, Jealousness is Bad Enterprise and the always popular Titanic Store complete with graphic of the doomed ship. If you are keeping tally, I have now seen Titanic-themed shops in three countries.

I am currently reading the following:

1) King Leopold’s Ghost by Adam Hochschild. The Democratic Republic of Congo (formerly Zaire or The Belgian Congo) is not far from where I am in Sudan. Claimed by King Leopold II of Belgium as a humanitarian experiment in free trade and free government, his administrators in fact enslaved and tortured millions of native peoples. King Leopold, who never visiting the Congo, earned vast sums of money (one billion dollars according to some estimates) through the collection and process of rubber there. It is believed that ten million people died there often in sadistic and grisly manners. The country has been a wreck ever since.

2) The Island at the Center of the World by Russel Shorto: This fascinating book details the oft neglected early history of New York City as colonized by the Dutch in the early 17th century. The colorful cast of governors, natives, merchants, pirates, prostitutes, and missionaries represented dozens of countries and many of these early settlers displayed a progressive--for the 17th century anyway—tolerance towards its people. It’s tough to imagine a Manhattan filled with streams, waterfalls, tall trees and as a home to beavers, otters, foxes and deer.

If all goes well, I should be heading to a few northern cities on Monday but I am waiting to see if I made it onto the UN flights. We considered driving but the roads are so bad that it can take about 90 minutes to travel just 30 miles. I find it best to ignore the mile markers lest I go insane. If I go, I won’t be online for some time so enjoy this long posting. I am sure there will be plenty of stories to come.

Hope all is well in the West!

There's No Banana Republic In This Banana Republic

2005-10-21T22:02:00.000-04:00

Welcome to The Sudan! Yesterday, I woke up very early and caught a small propeller plane to a dirt landing-strip in the northern town of Arua. I met my driver and then relaxed at the local hotel while he looked for various vehicle spare parts on behalf of the program. The drive to Sudan took an agonizing five hours over muddy, unpaved roads and upon reaching the Sudanese border required switching from left-hand side driving to the right. Other than that, the border crossing was uneventful and I was miffed to have not received a ‘Sudan’ stamp in my passport. The day before, a nasty gang of child-soldiers called the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) were spotted on the road to Yie and although they usually do not target westerners or aid agencies, I was a little nervous. That’s what armed guards are for though, right?

I really made my day to see Tom DeLay’s mug shot all over the internet this morning.

The city of Yie is quite small, dirty and unremarkable. Our compound is located on the outskirts of town and is much more comfortable than I had anticipated. My accommodation consists of an adorable hut fitted with a bed and a mosquito net. A single light bulb illuminates my room when the generator is working. Otherwise we use kerosene lamps—just like Little House on the Prairie. Speaking of television shows of yore, we have a lovely common room containing satellite television, a well-stocked fridge, books and games. I brought Risk (‘The Game of Global Domination’) and am eager to see what transpires in a match-up of this most international group: Scottish, Australian, Afghani, Sri Lankan, Eritrean, Israeli, and Sudanese. We hang out in the evenings, drinking beer and watching reruns of Bold and the Beautiful and Weakest Link.

Okay, I need to go wash up. I am so sweaty. The showers are unheated though we have a drum of water heated over a fire to use in combination with the cold tap. It’s not bad. In fact, I think I am going to like it here a lot.

For some reason, I cannot get photos to upload so I may need someone to do it on my behalf via email. Any takers?

I've Been In Four Countries This Week. What Have You Done?

2005-10-19T04:52:00.000-04:00

Greetings from Entebbe, a charming town located some 40 kilometers outside of the Ugandan capital of Kampala. I am sitting at an internet cafe on a dusty square full of vendors and taxis. I arrived in Entebbe yesterday morning after two grueling days of travel. I did manage to venture into London for a lovely lunch with Victoria at The Tate Modern Art Museum cafe where we feasted on stellar fish and chips. She also provided me with a place to shower (in her office bathroom) which was hopefully not too awkward for her colleagues. Returning to Heathrow, I was greeted by a horrific queue at the Kenyan Airways desk. As I slowly made my way to the front of the line, it became apparent that the hold-up was due to rigid baggage rules and almost every passenger wasted ten minutes arguing with the clerk and then begrudgingly unpacking and repacking their bags. Fortunately, because of some odd airline rules, travelers coming from America are allowed greater amounts of baggage, and so I made it through relatively unscathed (though I did have to check one of my carry-on bags).

The flight to Kenya was smooth and I awoke refreshed and energetic. The airport in Nairobi was pretty dumpy though I spent very little time there. The radio in the waiting room was playing "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston circa 1985. So, courtesy of Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, there's your 80's Song Of The Week.

I arrived in Entebbe yesterday morning and was met by a driver who took me to The Airport View Hotel which, despite its name, actually boasts a gorgeous view of a charming garden. Uganda is a remarkably green and lush country. Lake Victoria, the world's second largest fresh-water lake, is nearby and provides Uganda with water for irrigation and electric power. Less auspiciously, Lake Victoria offers a fantastic breeding ground for mosquitoes. I like Uganda so far. The people--at least those in the service industry--are amicable, helpful and intelligent. I feel very at ease on my own in "downtown" Entebbe. There are many humanitarian projects in the works and the leadership is able and popular so the mood in Uganda appears hopeful.

I ventured into Kampala to meet with a Sudanese official who processed my work permit. For a large African city (pop. 1.5 million), it appears more modern and clean than others I have visited. The driving was frightening and we endured an awful traffic jam caused by an overturned grain cart. I lunched at a terrific Indian restaurant located on the patio of one Kampala's swanker hotels. I probably could have spent more time exploring Kampala but I was exhausted and really wanted to take a nap.

And nap I did! I spent most of the evening sleeping breaking only for dinner at 20:00. At midnight, I watched a few hours of Family Guy and Golden Girls on my portable DVD player but then fell back asleep until 9:00. I took breakfast in the garden, worked on an impossible crossword puzzle and then strolled into town. That's where I am now. Where are you?

Brown Is The New Blog

2005-10-17T00:35:00.000-04:00

The Cleveland Browns are a pretty mediocre team but they were able to beat another mediocre team, The Chicago Bears. The fans were ugly (talk about your below-average Joes!) but I enjoyed the experience. It was my first NFL game ever.

I am sitting here at JFK waiting to board my flight to London. Over the next few days I will be in the UK, Kenya, Uganda and finally Sudan. To all my friends and family, I love you and will miss you. I promise you that I will stay safe.

Uganda Ho!

2005-10-16T02:58:00.000-04:00

Enjoy some more photos from last weekend's trip to Ohio. Cleveland has some excellent architecture and (though you can't tell from these pictures) is home to the most bridges of any American city. Its grandest building is the beautiful Terminal Tower which for a brief moment in 1930 was the second tallest buidling in the world.

I am sitting here watching Monster-in-Law starring Jane Fonda trying to forget that tomorrow night I depart for Africa. A few months ago I had a run-in with the controversial actress while staying at The Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills. I was lifting weights in the hotel gym when an older woman wearing sunglasses and carrying a dog carrier entered the room. She proceded to do squats while her cute puppy yipped loudly. It occurred to me that this woman might in fact be Jane Fonda but I was new to Los Angeles and figured that plenty of women there have tight faces and dyed blond hair. So I assumed it wasn't her. As inane as I thought it was to have a dog in the gym, I could not resist its cuteness and asked the lady about her pet. We made small talk for a few minutes and soon she was gone. Later, I walked over to do some push-ups on the mats and to my surprise, there was an opulent silver and turquoise ring on the floor where "Jane" was working out. I took the ring to the clerk at the spa and explained that I thought that Miss Fonda might have lost her ring. To which he replied, "Ahh. I will make sure Miss Fonda gets it back. She's having a message right now." I expected some sort of reward but sadly, it never came. Incidentally, a few months later I saw Jane hawking her new book on tv and delighted in the very familiar turqoise and silver ring on her finger.

This movie is pretty dumb.

The Mistake By The Lake

2005-10-12T02:47:00.000-04:00

The west side market is an institution in Cleveland. People from all over the Midwest converge here for top quality produce and mouth-watering ethnic foods. I purchased some homemade kielbasa and a variety of excellent pierogies. I will continue to post Cleveland photos this week.

God, I can't believe I am going to Sudan on Sunday. There is still so much to do. If the demeanor of the folks working at the Ugandan Consulate is any indication of what I can expect from the people there count me out!

Ok. I should get some sleep. I can hear the rain banging against my window sill. It's going to be a long night.

Swing Low, Sweet Harriet.

2005-10-10T02:41:00.000-04:00

I am in Cleveland enjoying some time with my dear family. I have enjoyed visiting my old home and have plenty of photos to share with you but I will post them later this week as I seem to have misplaced my camera cord.

Harriet Miers is turning out to be quite the contentious candidate for The Supreme Court. It occurred to me last week that she looks very similar to to SNL's Rachel Dratch. Sure enough, last night Rachel was hilarious as she lampooned Ms. Miers. The show was pretty amusing though expectant mother Maya Rudolph and new mother Tina Fey were desperately missed. Ashlee Simpson, the musical guest, REALLY sang. Badly.

Speaking of crappy voices, here's a deliciously bad 80's Song of the Week for you: "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)" by British sexpot Samantha Fox. Miss Fox rose to stardom at the tender age of 16 by appearing topless (36DD according to Celebrity Sleuth) in various UK tabloids. In fact, so "successful" was her modeling career that she had purportedly had her breasts insured for $500,000. Of course, a record deal was soon in the works. Samantha Fox was the self-proclaimed skank of 80's music and the majority of her music was suggestive, if not down right sleazy. She has a horrendous voice and mostly talks (or moans) her way through her songs. "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)" released from the Touch Me album was a massive hit worldwide and went to number one in 15 countries. Americans weren't quite as impressed and in February of 1986 it peaked at number four. Like so many 80's song, the lyrics are repetitive: "This is the night. This is the night. This is the time. We've got to get it right. This is the night. Touch me. Touch me. I want to feel your body. Your heartbeat next to mine." And repeat. It is actually a pretty sexy song. And for lovers of misogyny, in one verse Samantha calls for her lover to treat her body "like you want it to." Slut.

House of Cards

2005-10-06T02:58:00.000-04:00

The martini comes to you live from Saint Louis where I am (once again) on business. I was here in August and yet I truly cannot recall what it was I did here then. Certainly I didn't stop by to see the Saint Louis Gateway Arch for I would have remembered the beauty and grandeur of this most unique American monument. Designed by Finnish architect Eero Saarinen, the Gateway Arch was constructed in the mid 1960's though unlike so much architecture from this era, it remains fresh, sleek and modern. I never realized just how impressively large the Arch is. It spans 630 feet from base to base and reaches 630 feet high making it the tallest man-made monument in the United States. In fact, the Arch is 75 feet taller than the Washington Monument in DC. The Gateway Arch commemorates Thomas Jefferson and symbolizes the door to the American West. Visitors can journey up to the Arch viewing deck in "capsules" that hold five people.

After the Arch, I then strolled along the Mississippi River and enjoyed scenery consisting of old factories, railyards and riverboat casinos. The rest of my evening was spent trudging around a very quiet and very dead downtown area. I grabbed a USA Today and hunkered down at T.G.I. Friday's (I am not sure which is sadder) to watch some baseball. The St. Louis Cardinals are in the playoffs and the whole town (including fountains) is bathed in red. Banners are everywhere proclaiming their love and support for "The Cards." I am a sucker for city spirit so now I am going to root for the Cardinals. Woo!

Speaking of baseball and spirit, check out this heartwarming article about the Cleveland Indians. Although they won't be in the World Series this season, the Cleveland fans cheered the Tribe on until the very end. And even after that fateful loss against Chicago, the fans continued to applaud their beloved team. Which is something I am sure we would never see in Boston or Ner York. I am prouder than ever to be from Cleveland.

I love the Midwest.

Much Ado About Mutton

2005-10-02T17:57:00.000-04:00

Saturdays are always fun but they are even better when its your birthday party and you are surrounded by beloved friends. The evening commenced with transcendent lambchops from Lucien and ended with warm vodka tonics and karaoke. Perfection. I think everyone will agree that the karaoke party was a smashing success. Everyone sang. Everyone drank. And I hope that everyone used their complementary condoms and fruit-flavored lube (or at least consumed their skittles).

Any party gossip? Do share. Good old Marc supposedly spent the night at the Millenium Hotel though not before rocking out to some Bon Jovi will fellow Jersey boy Toby. The vodka tonics took Cort out early in the evening (running tally: Cort-0, Vodka Tonics-9,928) but he still managed to mumble his way through a very emotional "Tiny Dancer." Thanks to Tamar and Matt for bringing the inflatible instruments and oversized novely microphone. Thank you to Brett for dilligently enforcing iBop's NO JUMPING rule but for allowing us to leap to our hearts desire during Van Halen's "Jump." The special guest of the night was Jenni! She traveled all the way from the west coast to sing love songs to me (well, actually to be in a wedding but why quibble?). And Marisa, I love my 'Demine This' tee! Awesome. And who knew that Wilson Phillips' "Hold On" would be such a karaoke crowd pleaser?

It seems as though I cannot count on American Idol victor Fantasia Barrino to read my blog. Turns out she doesn't read anything at all. Folks, she's illiterate!

Ok, back to cleaning my room and doing laundry. My life isn't really all that fabulous.

She's No Lady

2005-09-30T02:15:00.000-04:00

A few shout-outs to my peeps:

A belated happy birthday to fellow Libra Marisa! She is provocative, busty, worldly, brainy, environmental and 27! Love and best wishes as you approach 30.

Tyler and Booker are taking the LSAT on Saturday. May they score in the uppermost percentiles. They are both nerds so its not like they need my luck. But to you both, kick some dork ass!

Thank-you Christine for joining me at dinner this evening and for allowing me to talk your ear off. Also, thanks for committing fraud for me. You can recommend an 80's Song Of The Week anytime.

Also, check out my beloved Myrna's blog. Christine (and I) are big fans. My life would be terribly productive without it.

Finally, a big old 'Fuck You' to the Cleveland Indians. Ever since high school, you continue to dissappoint me.

Taco Belle

2005-09-28T02:06:00.000-04:00

I am full from chicken enchiladas and a tasty pitcher of margaritas from El Nuevo Amanecer which is my vote for the best Mexican restaurant in New York City. Myrna--a Texan at heart--also gives this dive her seal of approval. Now you know its got to be good.

Here is an fascinating article about my second favorite animal, the giant squid. This is the first time that a giant squid has ever been caught on video tape. Thanks to Eric for bringing this to my attention. Soon Eric and his sassy wife Elisa will be ditching the cowboy hats and hayseeds to join us in New York City. Incidently, the praying mantis is my favorite animal.

Please enjoy these belated photos of my Lake Placid hike. Blogspot was being weird the other night.

Not So Placid Times in Lake Placid

2005-09-26T02:58:00.000-04:00

Greetings. This conference has kept me busy so I extend my apologies for not contributing an 80's Song of The Week yesterday. Miss Christine, who kindly volunteered to serve as my lady chaperone during my East European holiday last July, has requested a Bon Jovi tune for this edition of the 80's Song of The Week. I am no Bon Jovi purist though I do enjoy their most mainstream hits and after some hair metal soul searching, I have decided that my favorite song is "You Give Love a Bad Name," Bon Jovi's first release from the multi-platinum Slippery When Wet, as well as their first number one hit. The chorus of "You Give Love a Bad Name" has become a classic: 'shot through the heart and you're to blame, you give love a bad name.' Everyone sing it with me! Typically, the subject of songs performed by 80's and early 90's hair metal bands is women and in this case she is described as having 'an angel's smile' and sporting 'blood red nails' on her fingertips. However, she is a wicked little bitch who plays games and breaks the heart of poor Jon Bon Jovi (and possibly Richie Sambora's too). Great guitar riffs abound and Jon's voice is powerful and desperate. As we all know, Bon Jovi went on to further success eventually garnering a total of four number one hits and selling in excess of 22 million albums. Rad.

I had the afternoon free yesterday an decided to take an ambitious 14 mile hike on a few of the Adirondack trails. My goal was to reach the rarely visited Wallface Ponds (as recommended by my hiking guidebook) but I stopped short of the final destination settling on Scott Pond (with a coffee break at Rocky Falls). The main trails were easy enough but once the rocky path diverged towards the ponds they became rough and unceasingly steep. I had the energy to continue onwards to Wallface Ponds but the sun was beginning to set and I feared being stranded in this remote area without a flashlight, sweatshirt or food. I suppose my iPod could have illuminated the way but I didn't think of that until later. So it ended up being a 12 mile hike. I had no exciting animal encounters with the exception of a curious chipmunk and a few dumb birds. Even the pond contained no fish thanks to acid rain. I had forgotten how much I love being outdoors, surrounded by forests and breathing that fresh cool air. There was nobody else on the trail and I was all alone in my own little world. It was magical.

Also magical are The Cleveland Indians who are dominating the American League Central and seem posed to take first place. Is a World Series victory finally in store for the perennially disappointed Clevelanders? Keep your fingers crossed. Down with the White Sox! Go Tribe!

Senate Majority leader Bill First isn't just a crazy bible beater! He's also a crook! See also Tom DeLay.

There Is No Banjo On This Knee.

2005-09-24T02:17:00.000-04:00

I spent the first half of the week in Alabama. Never have I ever seen so many Jesus fishes! Birmingham, Alabama's largest city, was surprisingly lovely with unique architecture, grand homes, fine restaurants and super friendly folk. Sadly, I spent much of my time in Huntsville at the NASA compound based there. The highlights of Huntsville include the hotel's biscuits with sausage gravy and the miniature space shuttle (see above).

I departed the deep south on Tuesday and headed north--way north--to upstate New York. Yesterday I visited Utica, which like many former industrial centers, has fallen upon hard times. Many of city's buildings and houses are dilapidated or boarded up. This is especially sad because Utica is home to fantastic Victorian architecture, stately brick federal buildings, tiny parks with romantic gazebos and elegant mansions constructed by industrialists who most likely wore monocles. Utica must have been so perfect once upon a time and now, much of this 'Americana' is dreary, abandoned and in need of a paint job. Uninviting pubs, tire dealerships and check cashing centers have popped up all over further ruining the already stagnant atmosphere. I hope to spend some time taking photographs there when I return for another meeting on Monday.

Today I am in fantastic Lake Placid. More to follow tomorrow including an 80's Song Of The Week.

Centipede Stampede

2005-09-18T14:24:00.000-04:00

Sadly, my iPod kicked the bucket this weekend and I fear that my laptop may not be far behind. The dreaded blue screen made an unwanted appearance on Friday morning threatening me with memory dumps and yammering on about kernals. This all means nothing to me, but I know it can't be good. So I decided to walk over to the Apple Store to look for an iPod replacement. I ran into some old JMU friends, had a beer at Loreley and eventually made my way to Soho where I purchased a new (color!) iPod. The Nano is gorgeous but I need more than four gigs of memory. FYI, you can turn in old iPod's (for recycling) to receive a ten percent discount off your new purchase!

Hollywood and Nashville tongues are wagging at the shocking divorce of Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney. Personally, I am more distraught over Tori Spelling's separation! Don't forget to watch the Emmy Awards this evening!

I woke up to find a hideous house centipede on my wall. There are very few members of the animal kingdom that intimidate me but the house centipede is, without a doubt, my least favorite creepy crawly. I just read some background re: the house centipede and discovered that these disgusting creatures are quite beneficial as they eat cockroaches and their larva. I now feel the slightest tinge of guilt that the house centipede in my bedroom met a violent death by credit card bill.

Our dear friend Goldberg has been traveling by boat through the icy waters of Antarctica as a part of a science project. The details of this science project are hazy but it has something to do with ice depth and salt. I think. Goldberg wrote us a few musings from aboard the vessel and today included some really remarkable photos! Enjoy.

Show Us Your Buboes!

2005-09-15T20:10:00.000-04:00

Bring out your dead! Some plague-infested mice have disappeared!

I apologize for any grammatical and spelling errors you might encounter while reading my weblog. Some people apparently have so much time on their hands that they can afford to write and maintain their own blogs while criticizing and pointing out errors in others. To them I say, "get a job!"

Shall I suggest an 80's Song Of The Week? Definitely. In honor of Catherine's upcoming travels, I give you "China Girl" by androgynous popstar, David Bowie. "China Girl" is a release from Bowie's 1983 album Let's Dance, his largest success to date. Let's Dance is chock full of catchy, accessible pop songs that are just edgy enough to differentiate themselves from the traditional songs of the era. The seductive "China Girl" begins with an oriental instrumental, a few verses of the chorus, and then Bowie's sexy voice. There is a rocking guitar solo towards the end of the song but it is Bowie's gravelly, almost menacing vocals that take center stage here. "China Girl" narrowly missed reaching the summit of the Billboard pop chart losing steam at number two. Bowie did however win a 1984 MTV video award ('Best Male Video') for the accompanying video. In addition, Let's Dance produced two other smash singles including the title song and "Modern Love."

Bon voyage Catherine! Just don't call her Cathy!

What Happened To Good, Decent Names Like Tiffany and Ashley?

2005-09-14T21:09:00.000-04:00

George Bush has made what is perhaps his sharpest political move ever and accepted responsibility for the crisis mismanagement in Katrina's wake.

Things are less grim in Massachusetts where a gaggle of politicians is doing the right thing (and by 'right' I mean 'liberal') and continuing to allow homos to wed. Huzzahs are in order for Massachusetts. Again, Huzzah.

Tina Fey has had a baby girl named Alice. This news is likely to be overshadowed by the birth of Britney Spear's little bundle of disfunction supposedly named London Preston Federline. Watch out Ms. Hilton, there's a new (rich) kid on the block and this one has a (more likeable) city name to boot! In other news, the actual cities of London and Paris announced meetings to consider name changes.

I continue NOT to win the Mega Millions lottery. The good news is that nobody else is winning either and now the prize has reached $250,000,000. If I win, I promise to take all of my loyal readers on a fun vacation. I wonder how much 13 plane tickets to Utica would cost.

Cathy goes to China! She says its just for vacation but the truth is that she seeks sweatshop labor and investment in a factory lorded over by cruel foremen. Somebody has got to make the cozies!

Delta declares bankruptcy! But will it affect my trip to Alabama next week? God I hope so.

An Ode To Jumbo Melons:

2005-09-08T05:04:00.000-04:00

It seems like just yesterday that Zain was departing for decrepit corners of the globe. The United States is glad to have our globetrotter home (and on its no-fly list). I wish you the happiest of birthdays. Thirty is just around the corner baby. XOXOX.

P.S. Please send my warmest regards to your child bride, Kathee.

A Tale Of Three Cities

2005-09-07T22:03:00.000-04:00

I am staring out my hotel window narrowing down my dining options. The leading candidate is Panera whose soup bread bowl and coffee are pretty good. Then again, the Country Buffet is sounding awfully tempting. There also appears to be an Arby's which I didn't even know still existed but it remains safely in last place, right behind the cafe at Super Walmart.

Guess what? Your 80's Song Of The Week is "Eyes Without A Face" by Billy Idol. It appeared on his 1984 album Rebel Yell and reached number four on the Billboard charts. Billy Idol has a host of excellent 80's singles including "Rebel Yell," "White Wedding," and "Cradle of Love" (actually 1990) but today's selection is his most poignant and powerful release. "Eyes Without A Face" supposedly takes its inspiration from the French surreal film Les Yeux Sans Visage in which a celebrated surgeon kidnaps young women, removes their faces and attempts to graft them onto the head of his beloved daughter who has been grossly deformed in a car accident. God bless French films. You can hear the French title repeated over and over in the song's chorus but Idol, perhaps realizing that pop songs about murderous surgeons do not oft become hits, instead bases his story on deception and cheating lovers. Idol gives a very raw and emotional performance--a rarity for a star who is mostly known for being cocky. Download now.

Yesterday, the Martini praised Jetblue for its wireless internet at JFK. In fact, their greatest asset is actually the in-flight direct TV. The US Open made for some riveting television and I was also able to catch up on Kathy Griffin's hilarious reality show. Shit is BANANAS. Speaking of airplanes, I do hope that Zain (and Booker) will relay their story about a moody seat mate aboard their San Diego flight. The guy sitting next to me last night was wearing a black shirt with a marijuana print and carried a large envelope containing a stack of one hundred dollar bills. He also made frequent visits to the WC. Shady.

Though I was recently accused of talking about landmines too much, I leave you with a photo of a Caterpillar tractor destroyed by an antitank mine in Afghanistan. The vehicle suffered pretty severe damage but luckily nobody was injured.

Jetting Off

2005-09-06T22:48:00.000-04:00

Today is a Martini first: I come to you live from terminal 6 at JFK airport. Free wireless internet is yet another reason that Jetblue is the greatest airline in the United States. My flight leaves soon so I can't write much else but I hope you all enjoyed the long weekend. I spent mine in San Diego with Cort, Marisa and Zain. Zain is writing about the trip and also copying some of the Martini's gimmicks. Gotta run. Flight boarding.

A Passport Is Not Required To Visit Staten Island. Just Be Sure Your Shots Are Up To Date!

2005-09-01T13:47:00.000-04:00

I have left the "Show Me State" and returned to the "Empire State" via an interminable layover in the "Prairie State." To learn more about state nicknames, visit this site.

Hurricane Katrina is a total bitch! And now the much of the Gulf Coast is at risk for a host of Oregon Trail era diseases including typhoid and cholera. A word of advice when facing dangerous flows of water: always caulk your wagon and float it across.

As mentioned before, Governor's Island was great fun but the trip there only represented a fraction of my weekend adventure. Brett and I also stopped by the New York Police Museum in lower Manhattan. The museum is small, friendly and a perfect way to kill 45 minutes. Interesting factoid about the New York City Police logo: It represents the Dutch colonials and the natives who lived in the area. I also enjoyed the collection of patches from police departments worldwide--especially the O.P.P. patch. I wonder if this particular department has anything to do with the trashy (and Tamar approved*) television show Cheaters.

Later that same perfect evening, we met Myrna and attended a Staten Island Yankees game. What a great ballfield! They played their neighboring rivals, the Brooklyn Cyclones, so there was a good crowd. Sorry to the Brooklynites in my life but I am now officially a Staten Island fan. They are in first place and kicked Brooklyn's ass. Though the season is almost over, next year I plan to muster up a group to rent a luxury box (costing a piddly $35 per person including hot dogs!).

We capped the evening off by wolfing down tasty pizza and italian ice at the Staten Island institutions: Denino's and Ralph's. Myrna (mouth agape, above) has decided to revive her webblog. Drop by.

*Tamar does not actually watch Cheaters but I promise she would approve of it if she did.

Sudan-ly Susan

2005-08-30T14:26:00.000-04:00

From mid October to mid December I will be heading off to Sudan. I was pretty negative about this assignment but now I am excited. All of our equipment is coming in through Uganda so I will likely spend some time there too. Perhaps I will hunt some gorillas. My only complaint: this will be the third year that I have missed Thanksgiving! And from what I know, there don't seem to be a lot of feasts going on in Sudan.

I am departing for St. Louis this evening. Back tomorrow night.

Katrina And The Waves

2005-08-28T20:30:00.000-04:00

In honor of the hurricane heading towards New Orleans, this week's 80's Song Of The Week is "Walking On Sunshine" by Katrina and The Waves. Frequently appearing in commercials and awful romantic comedies (specifically in montages where people try on 'crazy' hats), "Walking On Sunshine" endures as one of the most memorable songs of the decade. The infectious hook, enthusiastic singing and instrumentals do seem to indicate that Katrina and company truly are walking on sunshine (or doing some especially powerful drugs). The song reached the Billboard top ten in 1985 eventually peaking at number nine. Like so many 80's groups, they faded into oblivion although their website boasts continued successes in Germany.

Because I didn't do an 80's Song Of The Week last week, I submit yet another title for your listening consideration. In (belated) honor of Madonna's birthday on August 16th, I choose "Dress You Up," the fourth and final single to be released off of Like A Virgin, one of the 80's greatest pop albums. "Dress You Up" reached number five in July of 1985. Much like "Material Girl," this single espouses 80's materialism: "All your suits are custom made in London. Satin sheets and luxuries so fine." I remember vividly the video for this track which consisted of exciting concert footage and an excellent dance break during the mandatory guitar break. The perky "Dress You Up" remains a lesser known Madonna single but like so many of her hits is a high energy dance tune and highly recommended for the gym. Interestingly, "Dress You Up" was included in Tipper Gore's Filthy Fifteen.

Yesterday, Brett and I boarded a ferry and paid a visit to Governor's Island located a few minutes away from the southern tip of Manhattan. Governor's Island was formerly used as a military installment from 1800 to 1960, and later as the headquarters for the U.S. Coast Guard until financial woes closed the island in 1996. Today, the government does not know what to do with the island but happily for us, it becomes a public park on summer Saturdays. The island is home to huge expanses of grass, beautiful trees, two early 19th century forts, stately officer's homes, barracks, churches, a hospital and an old Super 8 motel! A majority of the buildings are abandoned and falling into disrepair. Sadly you can not legally enter the shuttered buildings and not all of the island is open to the public. Still, it remains relatively undiscovered and Governor's Island is an excellent way to escape the city.

Square State Shuffle

2005-08-25T01:37:00.000-04:00

So, I have been traveling quite a bit for work. I return to my beloved New York City tomorrow.

What's the deal with Natasha Lyonne? Hepatitis C? Collapsed lung? Track marks? What a mess.

Colorado is the thinnest state. Mississippi is the most porcine. Note to Mississippi: Lay off the Moonpies. I just perused the Moonpie website and have decided that I simply must take their factory tour.

I have eaten at a host of noteworthy restaurants lately:

1. Freeman's. If you like taxidermy check this place out. Located at the end of the once decrepit Freeman's Alley (off of Rivington) this restaurant is cozy and masculine. The food is terrific and so fresh you will think it was just picked (or slaughtered) in my parent's backyard.

2. Chibitini. Named after a cute French bulldog named Chibi, this postage-sized hangout serves Asian fare including unique dumplings (i.e. chicken curry) and boasts a nice selection of sake. If you are lucky, Chibi, who looks a little like E.T., might join you at the table. Apparently, Nicole Kidman "eats" there.

3. Canton. This Chinatown gem is located at 45 Division street and is one of the last remaining Cantonese restaurants in New York. Canton is slightly more upscale and relaxed than one would expect to find in Chinatown and the service is uncharacteristically friendly and efficient. This would be a great place to take visiting parents. Alas, the owner told me she plans to close after a year!

4. Sachiko's. Noteworthy only for its mediocrity, this was one of the poorest dining experiences I have ever had in New York. The selection of kushiage (deep-fried veggies and meats) was carnival quality and the sushi was so-so. The meal was pricy too! Totally lame. If you want excellent sushi, read on...

5. Jewel Bako. The Gucci of Japanese restaurants, everything about Jewel Bako is top-notch (including the prices!). Every piece of sashimi, each tiny mushroom and every shrimp will astonish. I recommend the $95 dollar tasting menu but if you are unsure what to order the service is helpful and unpretentious.

6. McDonalds. One Word: McFlurry (with extra M&Ms).

Amateur Mammogrammers Are Not To Be Trusted

2005-08-17T09:48:00.000-04:00

Here's a recent chat exchange between Booker and myself. I applaud him for making life changes that are set to expire in the early autumn:

Ku***eC: You are a real ass face for not coming to dinner last night. I haven't seen you in quite some while.

cl***in: I am trying to be responsible at least through October 1st.

But then our conversation returned to the typical and we discussed the new Survivor cast. How could anyone possibly care anymore? Maybe Catherine and I can muster up the energy to tune in but I am doubtful.

Ku***eC: The new Survivor cast was announced last week. It seems especially lacking in hotties.

cl***in: Yeah. I looked at them last week. There is one guy from Brown though they're all ugly.

Ku***eC: Most people from Brown are.

Madonna has broken several bones in a freak voguing accident! Actually she just fell off of a horse. It was her birthday yesterday as well. As expected, Trent has a funny little tribute to Madge. She turned 47. Scary. Perhaps in her honor, I shall chose one of her singles as tomorrow's 80's Song Of The Week!

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi

2005-08-16T11:44:00.000-04:00

Florida was a good time. I am a little sunburned, covered in mosquito bites and sore from boogie board whiplash but it wouldn't be a vacation otherwise. And though my fishing trip proved fruitless, I did have an encounter with a family of manatees. They were so cute and so gigantic. They quite nearly gave me a heart attack. I will post some photos from my Fort Pierce adventure tomorrow.

I refuse to believe that sweet Kelly Clarkson is lipsynching.

I ate steak tartare last night and have yet to feel any ramifications.

Fellow snowbird and colorist to the stars, Sarah is moving to Arizona on Wednesday. Good luck and come back soon.

Fort Pierce Or Bust!

2005-08-11T21:50:00.000-04:00

Apparently the Romanian economy is booming. I can't say I noticed this boom during my Romanian vacation early last month but here's a pretty photo of Sighisoara in Transylvania.

I would like to plug the products of two companies that I had the pleasure of dealing with this week. The first is Duracell, who were very helpful and friendly when my battery charger exploded (spraying battery acid everywhere!). Luckily, nobody was hurt and it looks as if I will be getting a replacement charger and hopefully some extra Duracell goodies. I was also pleased to speak with a real live person after only 30 seconds of waiting. Also, eat Archway cookies. They are super cheap, delicious and they remind me of my grandma in Cleveland.

Doing a weekly entry on 80's music is much tougher than you'd imagine. I am starting to regret this feature but here you go anyways: Your 80's Song Of The Week is "Come Go With Me" by girl group Expose'. "Come Go With Me" is "an 80's classic" says the Martini's official 80's Music Analyst, Tammi. She adds that it is "60's meets 80's retro nuevo girl-pop at its finest." Whatever that means. The group's first album--not so cleverly entitled Exposure--was released in early 1987. All four of their first singles reached the Billboard Top Ten making them the first group in history to achieve this feat. The seductive, synthesizer-heavy "Come Go With Me" peaked at number five in April of 1987 (their lone number one hit is "Seasons Change.") Expose' is one of the greatest pop groups to come out of the 1980's but sadly they remain mostly forgotten today. Why don't you do them a favor and download some of their bubbly, exciting songs. They're a hell of a lot more fun than most pop music on the radio today and excellent songs for the gym. In case you wondering, the song that "Come Go With Me" knocked of the number one spot was Tiffany's "Could've Been." We are getting SO old.

Tomorrow, I am off to Florida with Vanessa and crew. Here's a picture from last year's trip to give you a taste of what's to come!

Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Hipsters?!

2005-08-10T13:40:00.000-04:00

So. It's been a bad week for the hipsters here in the LES. First, it was announced that Starbucks will be hawking its overpriced brews and green tea frappucinos on Delancey, and today I learned that the Restaurant at THOR (aka RATHOR as in "i'd RATHOR eat somewhere else") will likely be opening in two weeks. I certainly hope it doesn't steal any customers from Libation. The (only?) friendly doorman at THOR told me that the kitchen is already experimenting. I think it is a safe bet that we can expect large white (possibly black) plates containing minimal amounts of tuna tartare and duck confite. The space is quite large and though incomplete, the restaurant still has that architecturally shoddy appearance that we have come to love and expect from THOR. The furniture consists of (surprise!) low sofas and two misplaced antique-looking armchairs at the very front of the restaurant. For those of you who prefer their exclusive dining and drinking experiences even MORE exclusive, I am told there is a private bar. By the way, it looks as if the walls and ceiling are made from crossword puzzles but I am probably wrong. Perhaps they are catering to a more cerebral crowd.

Oh, and also, they are hiring! Now that my dreams to commandeer a Russian submarine have been dashed, perhaps I will apply. I am sure it pays a little better than the Russian government but then again probably not.

Jake Gets to Third Base

2005-08-08T16:24:00.000-04:00

Although Zain's site has fast become the main clearinghouse for homoerotic photos of celebrities, take a look of these Jake G. baseball photos on Trent's website, Pink Is The New Blog. Trent's website is one of the web's best. Come be our friend Trent!

Coming Soon to the LES: Green Tea Frappucinos (But No Shamrock Shakes!)

2005-08-08T14:58:00.000-04:00

Weekend news items: The Russian submarine crew was saved, Peter Jennings died of lung cancer, and a woman ate 35 bratwurst in less than one hour (if they were vegetarian sausages I would bet that Valerie could take her on!).

This one is already a few days old, but Starbucks is coming to the Lower East Side (Delancey Street and Allen Street). The hipsters are--of course--up in arms though I must point out that this new Starbucks will sit on a horrible stretch of Delancey consisting of several cheap and tacky stores, a McDonalds, a Taco Bell/KFC combo-location and a Duane Reade. So let's not get our ironic boxers in a twist. It is not as if they are opening their store in the Tenement Museum gift shop.

Furthermore, now I can try the new Green Tea Frappucino. It looks very similar to the McDonald's Shamrock Shake. Apparently, there is movement to bring back the Shamrock Shake as evidenced by this website. Every March, I keep an eye open for these sickly green, slightly chemical tasting McDonalds treats. I have been let down year after year. It was always my assumption that New York was simply not included in this holiday promotion (New Yorkers make so many sacrifices as it is) but it seems as though there is nationwide Shamrock Shake drought. I don't recall this product being endorsed by an Uncle O'Grimacey (see below) so perhaps this website is not 100% reliable in its Shamrock Shake documentation. It's worth a look.

After Much Consideration, I Have Decided Not To Pursue My Dream To Become a Russian Submarine Operator...

2005-08-05T14:22:00.000-04:00

Note to Russia. Stick to the things you are good at: vodka production, chess, concrete housing, shoddy europop, quashing breakaway republics, beef stroganoff and fur hats. Obviously, exploring the ocean depths is not working out for you.

Yesterday, as my sister paid for her taxi trip from LaGuardia in front of My Apartment On Rivington (MAOR), a THOR busboy whisked her luggage into the hotel lobby. My confused sister said nothing until I interceded and exclaimed, "she is not staying at your hotel though feel free to take her bag up to my 2nd floor apartment." Those boys have no sense of humor. Again! The same thing happened when my brother arrived from Newark late last night. Does THOR really think that every human being exiting a cab on Rivington is there to stay at their crappy boutique hotel? Awfully presumptuous!

Why are there so many birthdays this week? Happy birthday to Harry, Tamar and Jessica! A special happy birthday to my little sister Karly who turns 21 today. I still remember when mom and dad brought you home.

Why Does Raven Simone Have A Television Show?

2005-08-05T02:35:00.000-04:00

And a better question: Why am I sitting here watching it?

I saw Avenue Q for the third time this evening. I promise you, I am not bored of it yet!

Our 80's Song of the Week comes to us from the United Kingdom. The song is More Than This by Roxy Music, a band founded by Bryan Ferry and Brian Eno in the early 70's. Considered by many to be the first glam-rock music group, Roxy Music never had any major chart hits in the United States though they were plenty successful in England. Their 1982 album, Avalon was their only smash record in America and yielded a few minor singles including More Than This. Their sound is not particularly unique and one might guess that the song was performed by Simple Minds, Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark, The Thompson Twins, Tears for Fears, etc. Still, More Than This remains a blissful love song with a gorgeous chorus. This song was lost deep within the cobwebs of my brain until I heard it while shopping at Key Foods on Monday. I stood for five minutes by the bacon jotting down the lyrics so I could google it at home. Success. I downloaded it on iTunes and you should too.

Also out of England, here is an interesting news item from London.

Oh Why, Oh Why Ohio?

2005-08-03T17:36:00.000-04:00

111 Rivington welcomes Harry to the neighborhood. As Tamar's replacement, you have quite big shoes (and an even larger bra) to fill.

A belated birthday wish to James from Montana.

Yet another loss for Democrats! However, this was an extremely tight race in a very conservative Ohio district and I am pleased at the outcome. Paul Hackett, the Democratic candidate who recently returned from Iraq where he was serving as a Marine, has been very critical of Bush calling him, "a chicken hawk," "incredibly stupid" and "a penis wrinkle." He didn't really say that last thing but he should have. Mr. Hackett might be heading back to Iraq soon but he has not ruled out running for office again. Keep up the good work Paul and see you in 2006!

Let's talk movies. Tamar, Trey and I saw The Aristocr a ts yesterday evening. It was vile, crass, inappropriate and hilarious. Go see it. Highlights include comic Mario Cantone's vulgar impression of Liza Minnelli and Bob Saget's joke where he discusses fucking a bullet wound in his son's head. Seriously. The Stepford Wives remake was horrendous. Stick to the eerie 1975 version whose poster (left) is much creepier! I also watched Paycheck starring perennial mediocrity Ben Affleck. The movie was okay. Ben remains greasy and dull.

I eagerly away Dukes of Hazzard. Let the bashing begin. Here are a few early reviews:

"Burt Reynolds fired his agent after Boogie Nights. If he has a lick of sense in his head, he'll kill his agent after Dukes of Hazzard."

"Prepare to witness an amazing feat of film-making: shocked and delighted will you be to see real Hollywood actors and real musicians outperformed by your favorite inanimate objects!"

Ouch.

You've Come A Long Way Baby!

2005-07-31T12:35:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Myrna! I have not one photo where her mouth is closed.

The Sea Was Rough That Day My Friends...

2005-07-29T13:50:00.000-04:00

Here is an interesting item about a blind kid who is a video game wizard. I'd be willing to bet that Helen Keller would have been a fierce video game competitor but I guess we will never know.

Fellow international man of mystery Zain has launched his own weblog complete with a douchebag lackey (or gay lover?) named Booker. Rumor has it that Zain (and his gigantic melon-sized head) will be gracing New York City with his presence this weekend. I will keep my fingers crossed. Check out his blog for an "exciting" tale of his lost mobile phone! Or if you prefer to remain awake, enjoy these photos of my sailing trip on the Hudson River. Note to Zain: "Nyah Nyah!"

Thursday's Child is Full of Deep-Fried Oreos

2005-07-28T13:36:00.000-04:00

I am so full from tonight's dinner at Rub located in Chelsea. I ate a very tasty pulled pork sandwich smothered in cole slaw. Everything was good but Bar BQ in Brooklyn is better and much quieter.

Why am I enjoying Janice Dickinson's autobiography so much? Totally embarrassing.

Today's 80's Song of the Week was a hit in 1989 and features one of the most-recognizable synthesizer intros of all time. The tune is Cold Hearted Snake performed by pop princess turned ineloquent television personality Paula Abdul. To this day, I still love this song and it receives heavy rotation at the gym (on my iPod). The instrumentals--if a synthesizer counts as an instrument-- are genius and ooze late 80's "I'm not wearing any underwear beneath these Skids" sexuality. The aforementioned intro and the dance break are just brilliant. And let us not forget the accompanying video which was an masturbatory standard. I used to sit around watching MTV and wait for the video to play. I vividly recall an awkward moment where my mother walked into the room during the video's sleazy dance break during which Paula and her scantily clad dancers have this PG-13 rated orgy. Because I was 11 in 1989, PG-13 was seriously taboo! So go download Cold Hearted Snake, if anything we can all use a high-energy song to get us moving on that treadmill!

I Like My Drinks Stiff and My Zombies Unevolved...

2005-07-26T16:09:00.000-04:00

Catherine and I recently saw Land of The Dead by horror genre genius George A. Romero. I enjoyed the film but I really hated the premise that Romero's walking corpses were developing intellect and problem-solving capabilities. Moldering cadavers aside, the "living" cast members were hot hot hot! John Leguizamo and Simon Baker have definitely been doing their crunches. Yum! Who would have thought that there would exist such a glut of hotties in post-apocalyptic Pittsburgh! Catherine complained that Asia Argento and studly Baker never cashed in on their sexual tension. I was more aggravated that chief zombie "Big Daddy" never initiated anything with the zombie softball player (with Katie Holmes-esque facial sores) who was so obviously his hoe. There were some very gruesome special effects including Catherine's favorite scene in which "zombies rip a girl's belly-button ring out of her stomach."

Here are some new reviews from film critic extraordinaire, Peter: Hustle and Flow and Bad News Bears.

Why is it only Tuesday?

I Survived Midtown! And You Can Too!

2005-07-26T01:29:00.000-04:00

What a super busy weekend!

First off, beloved roomie Tamar has moved on to bigger and better things in Brooklyn. She is no longer welcome in Manhattan.

On Friday, I spent a romantic evening with Brett. He cooked a scrumptious dinner of turkey burgers with caramelized onions and horseradish sauce. We classed it up by watched Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, a pretty amusing little flick that is probably best enjoyed high. Not that Brett and I would ever condone marijuana use...

I went to Spice Market on Saturday night with David. He is an old friend and former roommate from my Avenue C days. The vast space is breathtaking and the food was pretty darn good. The service was impeccable but without being overzealous and happily, there was nary an ounce of attitude from any of the staff. The tables are uncommonly far apart from each other so my companion and I were able to catch up without interference from loud-talking investment bankers and their awful blond girlfriends. It was a refreshing experience.

As we were already in the neighborhood and were enjoying "the scene," we hopped into Ono located within The Hotel Gansevoort. We took a good table in the center of its chic circular bar. David, on a strict diet, only drinks straight vodka (usually Kettel One). Looking to mix things up a bit, he asked our waitress to recommend a fine house vodka. Her suggestion was Absolut. "We have to leave NOW," he said.

We returned to the relative safety of the LES to meet up with the usual players over hearty beers at Loreley. And then--I can scarcely believe what I am about to write--we hailed taxis and headed to The LaQuinta Inn located just steps from Penn Station in scenic midtown! I am fairly certain that I have never been a LaQuinta Inn. My family usually stayed at Red Roof Inn, Shoneys (specifically, for its all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet) and another motel chain that had a vaguely medieval theme though I cannot quite recall the name (Knights Inn?). Anyhow, I was certain that this was NOT where I wanted to spend my Saturday night. But lo and behold, the 14th floor of The LaQuinta is quite a gem. Sure its decorated with Christmas lights and the crowd is sort of uncool but the drinks were affordable and there is a wonderful view of The Empire State Building. So, grab a group of your dearest friends and get wasted at The LaQuinta! Anyone know what LaQuinta means in Spanish?"Next to Denny's." Har Har.

Pop Rocks! Celebrity Cocks!

2005-07-21T15:38:00.000-04:00

Thursday is one of my favorite days because Billboard releases its latest music charts. Therefore, Thursday will officially be "Fun with Music Day" on my blog. Friday will be "Anything Can Happen Day." Hah. Kidding. That was an obscure Mickey Mouse Club references for those who aren't with it...

MTV has announced that new Ashlee Simpson songs are on the way! Should she really do this to herself? After the SNL lipsyncing debacle and an unprecedented amount of media (over) exposure, I am predicting a flop of epic proportions! With singles like L.O.V.E. and Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend, this album is destined for the Coconuts "4.99 And Under" bin before year's end! Mark my words, it will flop. In September I will organize a pool to predict the number of albums that the plainer, talent-less Simpson sister sells during its first week of release. There might be great prizes! Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson's newest single--a cover of Nancy Sinatra's classic These Boots Are Made For Walkin'--climbs to number 14 on the Billboard pop charts. Christian fundamentalists are furious at Jessica for the skanky video that accompanies the single. Share their outrage and watch it here!

Speaking of Christian fundamentalists, your 80's Song of the Week is Mercedes Boy by Pebbles. This song is about a woman who owns a Mercedes. And she wants to know if YOU will take a ride in it! As I remember it, most women in the 80's owned station-wagons with faux wood paneling (or a mint green Quantum in my mother's case), so Pebbles is obviously ahead of the game. SNS Official 80's Music Analyst Tammi says of Mercedes Boy, "This is the best use of vocal layering in a freestyle r&b song from 1988," and adds that it makes "an excellent companion piece to Billy Ocean's Get Out Of My Dreams (And Into My Car)." Interesting trivia tidbit regarding Pebbles: She "discovered" TLC, was later sued by them and then became "speaking in tongues" religious.

Look at this interesting contraption! Its a toaster AND an egg poacher! Certainly technology can advance no further. Catherine has already scolded me for considering its purchase but when I get married you can be certain that this item will be listed in the gift registry.

Finally, enjoy these nude photos of Heath Ledger. Note to Peter: He is uncut!

And I don't even need to leave a Christmas tip!

2005-07-19T14:33:00.000-04:00

Trey, James and I stopped by The Hotel on Rivington (or as Curbed calls it, THOR) to check out their 2nd floor bar. It has improved markedly. The construction is no longer half finished and they have finally provided a full set of furniture. We sipped vodka tonics while reclining on several VERY LOW but plush modern sofas. Note to THOR: White upholstery is not a good choice for a bar area. The bar itself is very tiny and there is absolutely no shaking the impression that you are boozing it up in a hotel lobby but we had fun. We asked to see a room but THOR was fully booked (yeah right!) and encouraged us to come back later. They did provide some literature however and my apartment appears in the cover photo. I pointed this out to the front desk clerk who was quite rightfully unimpressed. In case you were wondering, the penthouse costs just $5,000 per night.

Lately--on another THOR related note--whenever I take a taxi to my apartment on Rivington St., I am instructing the cabbie to stop in front of the hotel. The helpful THOR staff, assuming I am a guest, always open the car door for me. Since I will probably never have a doorman, I shall enjoy this service while I can. Now, if I can convince them to carry my bags to my front door, I'd really be living it up! I won't push my luck though.

Brett and I had a tasty dinner at The Grocery in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. Zagat named it one of the top NYC restaurants in 2004. The service was ultra-friendly and the food was delicious and fresh.

I am dog-sitting Charlie, the world's cutest golden retriever beginning this Wednesday. I will be sure to post some photos of him. Note to Tamar, he is much cuter than any of those awful cat photos you insist on showing me.

G.O.P.P.? Yeah you know me!

2005-07-18T16:30:00.000-04:00

I know its not nice to make fun of people's appearances but Karl Rove is BY FAR one the ugliest human beings I have ever seen--definitely Extreme Makover material! He is surely powerful enough to pull strings at ABC. So, the right has old "Turd Blossom" and the left has Michael Moore. Are there any other tragically unattractive democrats I am forgetting about? Who would you rather sleep with? A random polling of my Messenger list garnered the following responses:

DJ***us: I'd rather fist myself with a cactus.

ii****on: I guess Rove. Moore looks smelly.

Be**er: Moore because I love him (even though he is a cow)...

Po********77: Who's Karl Rove?

Bi*****om: Rove. Like a good Republican he'd be in and out very quickly.

Sp*****78: Moore. He's at least kind of cute--marginally speaking--and way more interesting.

Personally, I think would choose to sleep with Karl Rove. Michael talks way too much. Plus, one has to consider the gunt factor in situations like this. Rove is dark and brooding. I like a little bit of mystery in my mates and I'll bet he is a gentle lover who would whisper sweet nothings (or the names of undercover CIA operatives) into my ear.